remember.

bounce

2012-02-02T06:53:00.003+08:00

well as it seems, i did bounce back faster than i have ever imagined. =) its probably the mountain of work that helped, too.

now here i am, sitting at my computer at 7am, thinking about a new brand concept for my mkt project. i am so NOT an ideas person, afterall....

just hang on, and the weekend will be here...

vicious

2012-01-30T17:39:00.006+08:00

and the vicious cycle continues.

bad mood on saturday --> not doing any work that night --> leaving everything to sunday --> not doing anything until last minute, as usual --> not enough sleep --> double presentation in the morning --> physical and mental exhaustion --> a certain unwelcomed news feed on fb --> further bad mood --> forced to rush work for fyp before meeting prof --> further exhaustion.

throw in a cab driver that fell asleep driving me to school this morning.

i cant tell if its just the physical/mental tiredness, or the mood itself. but can anything be worse now.

i still have things to be thankful for, though. like the presentations which went pretty well. was happy with my individual skills sharing. ppl were unexpectedly impressed. i guess music saves my life, afterall. =) and for the fyp meeting which didnt go as terribly bad as i had expected. thankful to have a good prof. and finally, for the friends whom i'm always able to meet up with no matter what. like now, sitting in starbucks typing this, because im just so damn sick of work for now.

its amazing how life keeps giving me twists and turns... i havent grown to appreciate them, though.

i took a look at the temperature of sweden on my computer. wanted to exclaim about how i missed the freezing weather back then. then memories flooded back in, all 6 months. tainted memories, they have just been tainted once more again. i thought back about how i have aimed to go for SEP ever since i entered nus. i thought about how excited i was when i received the phone call from the SoC office. making new friends. forming a clique. before it all went downhill. i guess i only have myself to blame, really. sometimes i wished i were as determined as i appear to be to so many people. the fact is, i am not. so totally not.

10 years down the road, i guess i would still probably look back at the whole SEP process and be glad i did all i did. and all that i didn't.

but for now, i just feel like giving my fb newsfeed a filter. it will do me good.

nah, i'll never bear to do it.

weak.

blithe smile, lithe limbs

2012-01-29T15:34:00.002+08:00

sometimes all it takes is talking to your girlfriends who understand, and a good night's sleep. =)

i am lucky to have such friends. <3 thanks shihua, and thanks sheri, for all the talking via different mediums haha..

music is a great outlet for everything. i could have played the piano for hours on end, if not for the fact that i have tonnes of work haunting after me behind my back. thats the reason why i insisted continuing with chamber singers despite all the super heavy workload i have now... its an outlet, not a burden. this, i am pretty sure of it.

i have to complete these by today:
- FYP prototype & research
- teaching slides for next week
- individual presentation materials

go.

keep holding on.

2012-01-28T21:33:00.003+08:00

its beyond me, how a harmless gathering became a rude shock, not only to me but to everybody else in the group. in different ways, of course. revelation of the year indeed. oh wait, hasn't the year just started?

i knew something along the line would come soon enough, but you can never expect it. i guess life just hasn't got tired of throwing me such situations.

the worse feeling in the world, is not knowing what to actually feel. i have been hiding, even from myself. so much so that i really can't tell what's real and what's not. what was the tug at my heart at that moment? the desire to stomp out of the room upon hearing what i least wanted to hear? what is that supposed to mean? because it doesn't make sense at all, with all that i have been preaching at myself. do you mean to tell me, all the self-convincing was all for nothing?

all i know now is, i am definitely not ready for all that's going to come out onto the surface soon enough. and it is not a good time to be distracted from work, at all.

this is a deja vu through and through. but the difference is, i have been actually through this, and i will keep holding on. because it is not like me at all to dwell in a land of might-have-beens. just.... give me this night of break, for now.

don't lose sight of who you are.

draco dormiens nunquam titillandus

2012-01-27T23:43:00.003+08:00

in love, again.

i swear, he's the western version of JJ. hahah. i can never get over such talents.

anw... the week flew by, yet again.

CNY was... CNY. happy to have a rumoured good year ahead. and a gathering with paternal side relatives and cousins made me realise just how old i am now, already. 7-8 years down the road. what will i be doing?

although i can barely catch my breath, but i guess i don't regret taking biz modules in my last semester. they give me so much insights into the world that actually makes sense, and its just so refreshing to have a break from the technical world. maybe that's why DDP in engineering & biz is so common. this is another "if only i had known.." moment. but oh wells. no regrets, whatsoever. happy with what i have so far. =)

also loving how i'm still meeting new people on an almost daily basis even up till now...

random dinner with hall ppl at bukit timah today, after a long day in school. haven't been to that area in so long, and i'm actually going back again tmr for another gathering, haha. other than the nice dinner, i had a nostalgic ride home on 154. how things have changed... my beliefs, what i have been standing for.... who knew, they would all gradually change with growing up. now i sit on the bus, no longer in uniform, no longer staring intensely out of the window at particular stops.. just living the moment. i would go as far as saying that i am partially where i am right now because of this impossible bubble i was once in. it's true. and even though it's broken through and through, i have never once stopped appreciating all those small moments in my life that slowly built me up. haha, friends who are reading this and who might be interested to hear a story, u might. =)

ever since i entered uni and chose this path, i've been determined to break stereotypes... and sometimes i really wonder, if im actually too caught up in defying stereotypes that i might, at times, end up not being my true self. four years on, and whenever i reveal my faculty, i still receive the same reactions. what changed was my attitude towards it. from not knowing how to explain myself, to now, proudly announcing it and expecting a shocked reply, followed by a well-rehearsed explanation from me, and secretly happy that im still upholding the broken stereotype.

marketing taught me that u can never know if defying traditions is a good or bad thing, until u put it out there to test the waters.

there's no turning back for me, so we can only wait and see.

reminders

2012-01-24T12:48:00.002+08:00

thanks, for the reminder of how your children are a failure to you cos we have our own interests and they don't happen to be what you are doing.

guess there's a reason why i didnt mind spending a CNY overseas, afterall.

when can i ever escape from this nasty sense of guilt that i don't know if i should be having?

immediate hurdles first. fyp, teaching, projects and presentations. back to my eclipse and ppt slides.

week 2.

2012-01-22T14:35:00.003+08:00

just spent the whole night upgrading my iPhone and jailbreaking it again... heh. troublesome stuff, but at least its smth done. finally, up to date again. now to bring back all the apps.

just finished a reunion lunch with my family. first time having 7 people at our dining table... it's pretty surreal. having skipped one CNY last year, it's amazing how much things have changed... well, there's nth left to say other than, that's just life. although it's probably gonna be at least another 5 years until the 8th (adult) person appears in my family. definitely not anytime soon, hmm.

alright working backwards...

yesterday was a nice day just spent lazing at home, after burning out the entire week. actually, week2 passed by so much faster than week1 did, but that didn't stop me from feeling exhausted from all thats been happening.... and that's even without much progress on FYP. beginning to think i'm trying to balance too much on two hands again.

friday. had the 2nd DSC lecture, of which half the time was spent freaking out on the first ever official big-group lesson i'd be conducting later. not mentioning being 45 mins later because i was preparing slides till 4am the previous night.... was totally zoning out. thankfully i managed to find a good group to join at the end of the lecture.. seems like i need not worry too much about the projects for now.

then was THE lesson. thank goodness i stayed up to finish preparing all i wanted to say, but no thanks to the fact that because of staying up, i wasnt really in a right state of mind to think, and this is obviously not tuition where i can easily smoke my way through. i was pretty sure at some point in time i was as confused as they were.... not a very good start. but hey i have 10 more lessons to go. things might just work out slowly... we'll see. i might feel like chickening out at some points, but i guess it's an experience i'd never give anything up for. =)

thursday. chamber singers, then mkt lecture. finally made the decision to drop the video production mod and confirmed chamber singers... really, i guess nothing beats being able to sing in a group of really talented choir ppl once again. =) mkt, on the other hand, doesn't look easy at all. although i'm probably not gonna aim too high, i hope it'll still be a decent attempt for me... like i said before, it's probably the module that makes the most sense in the terms of how the real world actually works. and i really do appreciate that.

met up with the sep guys for dinner after that... i find it amazing how 1 year on, we are still eagerly meeting up for meals etc... anw this time it was to meet up with the noc guys who just came back and are having serious post-sweden syndromes.. hahah. i guess everybody just can't have enough of europe. i will be back there again in my lifetime.

wednesday. free day, but it was a day of career talks... first suit up, which was pretty useless, and then the SoC one, which was more relevant, but didnt help me much in deciding what i want. a few companies were interesting, but because i simply have so much on my mind right now, i dun think my decision will arrive anytime soon. =/ what im gonna be doing 6 months from now, it's still a great big mystery.

tuesday was chamber singers and then mugging with sheri at starbucks. met one of her best friends inside, haha. it amazing how chamber singers just doubled in size this semester, and quality probably doubled as well. quite a few other familiar faces this time round as well... mugging with sheri was pretty productive, actually, i was just working on my fyp throughout. there is progress, but it is pretty slow. sigh.

weirdly, CNY is a holiday i sometimes dont mind missing, besides the money and the food. family gatherings are always nice but awkward at the same time, and remind me of the "responsibilities" im supposed to have as part of the family.. i just am not ready to grow up, just yet.

its always a good break nevertheless. this time too. just that i have promised myself to accomplish so much within these few days, i might just end up disappointing myself again.

happy last day of the rabbit year, everyone.

last first week.

2012-01-16T10:22:00.002+08:00

had an incredibly long last first week of school... it just seems like so much has happened just within a week.

inside a guest lecture on the weekly monday morning lecture, talking about lean manufacturing while the module is a software design project...? oh wells.

finally decided on chamber singers, i guess, over the video module. it'll be my only outlet to perform in probably a long time to come, unless i decide do smth drastic.... so well, i guess im not gonna let anything take away this final opportunity. =)

"practice" on tuesday wasnt exactly a practice afterall, i just got the thick stack of scores to be learnt in 3 months. haha. great. apparently many others went for the audition in the afternn, resulting in a doubly large enrolment this semester for chamber singers. the thursday practice subsequently was pretty enjoyable. i hope it really will be. =)

attended a resume talk on tuesday as well, a start to the series of career related stuff i'll be attending the whole semester, maybe to no avail. i seriously don't know what i want yet. the talk was... commonsensical. but perhaps not to some others, haha. but it was a good motivation though, for me to update whatever i have, and think about that i really want. seriously, i.dont.know. right now, i'm just being blinded by what's immediately ahead of me.

wednesday was a whole day of 1010 affair.. the foundation programming module i'm gonna be teaching. both excited and worried and... i dont know. till now i still dont understand why nobody wants to do it, and i hope i still dont by the end of the semester. haha. but i know this was one of those things that i've always wanted for my uni life, so, no regrets again.

the 2 biz modules started on thurs and fri respectively. it was a refreshing change of environment from the all the technicalities i've been facing the whole last sem, and it was nice to talk to ppl with at least some sort of common sense. haha. i hope the projects go well, and that the modules are worth every bit of effort i spent deciding on them. lol.

universal studios with sheri john liling jiayong and liheng on saturday. it was a "finally" thing, and the weather was really kind to us, and so were the crowd. couldn't have enjoyed it any way better! =) will let the pictures on fb (which i have yet to filter and upload) do the talking. but it was yet another refreshing break from this crazy first week i've had.

and finally, yizhi was in transit in singapore again on sunday and the group of us met up with her in the east, again. it happens to be the "1st anniversary" for alot of things for alot of us. i still can't believe how much has happened in the exact span of 365 days. i am a contented person.

spent the whole week trying to clear up backlog on my FYP as well... progress was made, but not as fast as i had wanted it to be. i hope all is still going on fine..... i don't wanna die. seriously. i am quite pleased with whatever i've produced over the week, but that's only 50% of what i was supposed to complete in the holidays. i guess i really need school to push me to work.

or probably because this is the final final semester, the final final chance to actually make a mark for myself, somewhere, somehow. the feeling of sleep deprivation is ironically what kept me going for the week, even though i was dead exhausted by the end of the week. but the accomplishments so far, i'm happy, and there will be more to come.

and i also can't believe how many new people i've just met over the week as well. then comes the problem of not being able to recall where u've met a certain person when u bump into them elsewhere. haha. oh the worries.

year 4 semester 2, it shall be epic. i will make it. =)

not so fresh start

2012-01-09T22:04:00.004+08:00

i am incredibly good at procrastinating every single thing in my life.

anw my greatest discovery of the day was actually that my fyp profs had sent me comments immediately the day after my presentation, but because it was sent to an email i never checked, i only saw it today, 1.5 months after. =.= it was rather encouraging, but i guess it came a little too late. my progress is still worrying. hah. time to go full blast ahead to salvage it... i still remember my resolution to do myself justice.

i have so many things on my mind right now i dont know what to do... projects starting the very second the first day of school started, work comes flooding in.... i have no time for holiday mood anymore. this is my one final chance to prove myself.

in a turn of events, i actually managed to secure the 2 biz modules i wanted, thus giving a perfect end to my desire for a biz minor. all is not confirmed yet because i still have to chase after the office to make sure i really do get it at the end of the day. but i guess even if i don't, i will have fun with these modules. i am just... so tired of programming for now.

every other day i question if i had made a right choice in stepping up as a TA. i look at the list of other people in it together, and i shudder. i guess, it's exactly the feeling i felt when i first entered SoC. then i think about what i could get out of it, and i smile back, again. and i continue the struggle till now. maybe i am really supposed to be the odd one out. or special. whichever feels better. there's never a day i question myself about the weird choices i made, but there's also never a time i ever regretted my decisions. i hope this will be another good one.

anw, turning back in time a little, wicked was a great show. although i don't know if it is because my appreciation of theatre has sorta grown alot these days, i seem to focus more on the details than the entire show as a whole. i was never into acting, but at that point in time, i was actually thinking how nice it would be to be singing up there on stage one day, like that. i think that'll never happen, so yea. let's stick to more realistic dreams.

after a blurry impromptu presentation session, a project discussion, a random industry talk, and fiddling with my wonky wifi on the new laptop... time for a good and eventful last lap to the end.

first of january 2012

2012-01-01T22:40:00.002+08:00

as it turns out, i've had a pretty good first day of 2012, and last few days of 2011. =)

had a 4d gathering on the 29th, been really long since i've last seen most of the class and it was quite a successful outing =) updated each other on what we're all doing, and as it seems alot of us have actually travelled quite a bit over the past few years... i think all of us have really come a long way and it was just great seeing each other again after so long =)

went to JB with jiayong looi and peilyn on the 31st. customs were surprisingly clear that day despite it being a weekend.. kevin came along with us before leaving for his home, and we met abel there as well, who acted as our driver/food recommender for the day. haha. although it was an unfulfilling trip in terms of my shopping, it was still a great day trip, a nice getaway. next time i cross over, i think i'll just settle for eating and not shopping =) haha.

looi left earlier for his gf, so me jiayong and peilyn left after dinner and we reach singapore at around 9pm. got home, and was surprised to see that my parents and my da jie were all back at home too. my parents wanted to go see the fireworks at a nearby heartland countdown, so i followed them. so i didnt spend the first second of the new year at home, like what i did last year. well, i soon figured that i've really grown out of squeezing in the crowd and getting sprayed at by strangers... but the fireworks and the atmosphere of countdown never fail to touch something inside of me. when the countdown ended and the fireworks started coming on, i got a little teary-eyed, thinking about just how much have happened between each firework i've seen in my life. never fails to evoke emotions.

first day of my year was spent at an exhibition in expo. first time my family has gathered like this, with my er jie's now-husband and mother-in-law, and da jie's boyfriend, and my grandmother. never felt more complete before. anw, the exhibition was amazing, they recreated an ancient painting and reconstructed a 3D world based on it, superimposed it on the image of the original painting, and this animated painting was born. the idea was really really great and i just cant help marvelling at the 3D modelling technology behind it and how big a project this must have been. haha. a computing student i am. =) the (now-extended) family dinner that was supposed to happen after that didn't materialise in the end, but i still think it was a pretty good way to spend my new year's day.

now that the updates are done, its down to the usual resolution-making again. not that i get myself down to thinking about it in the middle of the year, but its always interesting for myself to see what i've actually managed to accomplish each year.

here's what i wrote last year:

1. better CAP again - check. best semester (academically) yet.

2. be successful in at least one of the many applications - well.. scholarships / internships didnt work out but i managed to get a token sum for an SoC award, and got myself a job in school as a grader too. so i guess, kinda checked.

3. keep in close contact with family / friends - with regards to the family part, definitely checked. so many events happened that changed the dynamics of my family, and i think it's a good thing. and as for friends.. other than the fact that i've met countless new people over the year, i did manage to treasure all those important to me, as well. =)

4. have a very safe and fun europe trip - i don't dare to say it was all that safe, but the whole trip was definitely the highlight of my life. checked.

5. learn how to deal with certain matters more maturely and gracefully - in light of so many things that happened to and around me over the year, i think i'm beginning to see through what's important and what's not. i still can't stop doing stupid things once in a while, but i'm definitely more happy with myself than i have been previously.

6. build up on my 2 interests - computing / music. - looking at my FYP, checked. now i just need to maintain it.

so hey, i think i've actually subconsciously fulfilled most of my resolutions afterall. or it might just be because of the fact that i've had an exceptionally fulfilling year, too.

but now, it's time to step it up, look forward, and think about this upcoming year.

1. do myself and my prof proud for FYP.

2. graduate with satisfaction - minor in biz if i'm allowed to, and nothing but the best from myself for everything else i'm doing.

3. not give up performing arts. after having taken a step back later, i think i'd really be letting myself down for giving it up. i just havent decided how deep im gonna let myself be involved. which brings me to my next point...

4. figure a direction out for the 2nd half of my year and beyond - be it a satisfactory job or internship. i am totally undecided in my career direction and i hope i'd have a clear one by the time i graduate.

5. treasure my close friends even more, and appreciate my family better. especially so since i'll go on separate ways with most of my friends soon, and major changes continue to happen in my family.

6. stop closing myself up. im not gonna lie, i'm 22 and evergreen, and i figured the only way i'd ever be satisfied with the next stage of my life is either a really good career, or actually meeting a special someone. between protecting myself and opening up to chances, i just gotta find a balance, somehow.

2012 is going to be a year of unknowns. the only thing im certain of, is that decisions will have to be made. tough ones. and i mustn't regret any of them. good luck to me.

2011.

2011-12-30T23:27:00.006+08:00

and so here comes the annual review entry of the year. this year has been exceptional in so many areas, so big, so great, that i don't even think an entry of any length will do justice to it. i shall just attempt to... reflect on what happened through this nothing-less-than-epic year.

January
first half of the month was spent flustering over last-minute SEP preparations, and really, i just left in a flurry. didn't pack in alot of things i had wanted to bring over, but well, i managed. lots of farewell meetups, and before the big flyoff, was yet another big event, which was my er jie's ROM ceremony at marina barrage. was a beautiful and short event. =) two days later, on 12 January 2011, 11.30pm, i flew off to Sweden with 3 other companions. on the morning of 13 January, we touched down in Paris, and it was my first step into the Europe continent. so many first times just on the first day.. first time taking a public metro in Europe, exploring the city backpack style, with the help of Tina, and experiencing the cool weather. the lack of sleep didnt dampen our spirits at all, the cool morning breeze and adrenaline of just being in Europe itself, it kept us awake all the way until we boarded the plane and touched down in Stockholm in the evening. i caught my first glimpse of snow. we were so lucky to have many friends around the place, as gouchen and weiliang helped us settle down in their places before we set off for our final stop, the small university town of Uppsala. we settled into our rooms, in the freezing weather, and soon after, lessons started, took 3 courses + Swedish this quarter, amidst many other activities we had planned for ourselves. our first trip was to Kiruna, the city in the Arctic Circle, in deep winter, 15 hours by train one way, just to catch the northern lights... which we managed to catch a minimal amount of.. everything just felt so surreal. new friends made, other than the 3 people i initially flew over with. soon enough, we had a fixed group of singaporean / chinese friends and depended on each other for survival over the next 5 months.

February
it was my first CNY spent overseas, and i actually didnt mind at all. had a heartwarming dinner with many other chinese exchange students on CNY eve, skyped with family and extended family, and basically enjoyed the snowy CNY alone in another country. amidst the less-than-hectic lessons i were having in which half the time i wasnt even there, we went for our 2nd trip, a cruise to Helsinki, Finland. it was a bad time to go as it was the coldest period of the winter, but i guess i will always remember spending Valentine's Day on the cruise.... with my new found SEP friends. the rest of the month was probably spent trying to catch up with lost school work, just so i won't fail the module. haha. it didn't take me long to settle into that academically slack mode, and i never regretted taking a step back academically to appreciate the beauty of Europe.

March
our group grew closer as the months went by, and soon first quarter came to an end. had my only exam for the semester, and failed it miserably, not to my surprise. i ended up having to retake the exam 3 months later and with a little persuasion and playing cheat, not only did i manage to take the exam earlier, i passed it with flying colours. lol. im not exactly sure what i learnt from the 3 courses i took, but all i knew was, swedish professors were really nice and good. many friends from other parts of sweden came to visit, some not my friends, but we became friends after, nevertheless. lol. after the first quarter ended, we embarked on a short Belgium (Brugge & Brussels) trip which was really enjoyable (despite some squabble in the middle and stranded in the cold in Stockholm waiting for the earliest bus to the budget airport). i signed up for yet another trip immediately after Belgium, which was a cruise trip to Tallinn, Estonia. didnt even return to Uppsala once we touched down in Stockholm. i remember the long walk to the harbour from central Stockholm, the long sleep we had on the cruise due to exhaustion from the trip, and Tallinn was another eye-opener in terms of culture. one of us had a near-encounter with robbery, and we witnessed the less developed side of Europe. immediately after the trip, my da jie arrived to visit me it was a great and much needed break from my usual gang of friends.. it was always nice to see a familiar face when you're away in a foreign land for so long, no matter your relationship with your friends. the 2nd quarter of the semester started and i had 3 more courses to manage. ended the month with a trip to Norway with da jie.

April
started the month in Bergen, Norway. was a breathtaking trip with amazing scenery. remembered coming back to Uppsala and rushing to eat waffles at mabel's place... it was a combination of reasons that made me wanna do that, but i guess i never regretted all these small actions i did. after da jie finally left, i had a whole week of catching with school work again, although i suspect i spent most of the time cuddling in the bed in the cool weather, devising new ways to cook, and simply sitting in front of my computer surfing the net and staying connected to the world. we ended the month with a 1.5 week long easter trip to Barcelona/Madrid (Spain), Amsterdam (Holland), Copenhagen (Denmark), and finally Lund (Sweden). alot of things happened to me during this trip, including nearly missing a plane and thus freaking out my group of friends, and also falling sick during the last part of the trip... well, anything that could happen, happened. although in a warped way, im kinda glad these things actually happened to me. added a lot to the whole experience, good and bad. finally, the month ended with a crazy Valborg celebration in Uppsala town, which was basically an excuse for the locals to drink legally on the streets in broad daylight. being the non-drinker i am, we enjoyed a Singaporean bbq instead, with Singaprean visitors from all over Sweden coming over. =)

May
i remembered struggling to finish up my essay for my biz module (which i managed to pass in the end), and catching with random work, for the first part of the month. swedish written and listening exams were somewhere that time too, and it was pretty much the only course i took seriously in the entier span of the 6 months. haha. it was fun learning a new language. somewhere in the middle, we embarked on a trip to Gothenburg, Sweden, by train/bus, to visit new-found singaporean friends there. the most memorable part of the trip must have been the 100+m high free-fall ride i took thrice in a row, and not to mentioned roller coasters of all sorts. it was my first time riding so many things... and i never regretted them at all. =) the end of the month saw me embarking on my first ever solo trip to London, both a disaster and a great one. i really missed my plane this time, but i guess i place so much value in the time spent that i didnt exactly mind paying extra for the plane tickets to get me back to Uppsala. the trip saw me travelling to Winsor Castle, Bath, and the Stonehenge. it saw me watching 2 musicals on West End, and for the first time, i felt what it was like to be this tiny girl walking in a huge bustling city, alone. just like how western shows and movies always portray it to be. and it also saw me meeting up with yet another familiar face, john perez. had an enjoyable day with him walking around London and getting lost in the underground... hahaha. my only regret was probably not having to spent more time in the amazing city, but i guess i'll be back again some time in my life. =)

June
sooner than we'd realise, we had to move out of our rooms already. SEP was over. but not our Europe experience. that was only the start. had a memorable dinner at SQ's place on the last night, where he whipped up so many dishes. we left for Stockholm on 4th June, to the torture of the 2 guys who had to manage our heavy, heavy luggages. felt so guilty =S anw, we left our stuff at guochen's, and left for our first stop the next day. flew to Thessaloniki (Greece), subsequently, visited Santorini and Athens. i think i shall not elaborate too much on this epic June trip we had, but instead just list out the cities i actually went to: Rome, Pisa, Florence, Venice, Verona, Milan (Italy), Interlaken, Lauterbrunnen, Jungfrauoch (Switzerland), Blackforest, Neuschwanstein Castle, Munich, Berlin (Germany, and Salzburg (Austria). admist all the craziness, my most memorable moments would have to be: Lady Gaga in Rome, getting up the literally snow-capped mountain in the Alps in Switzerland, witnessing the legendary canals of Venice and getting lost there, witnessing many protests in different cities, and... basically opening my eyes to the rich, rich cultures of Europe. it was a true backpacking trip and is the most epic trip of my life, to date. i am missing sights and sounds of Europe every single day since i've been back, honestly, anw, our last 2 days of the month were spent in Stockholm doing last minute stock-up of souvenirs and saying goodbye to guochen and alvin who were such warm hosts to us there. and finally, the flight back to singapore, with new-found friends as well. we were simply so exhausted that all i remembered from the flight was eating a first meal, and sleeping all the way till they woke us up an hour before the plane landed back at Home.

July
started the month with a couple of meetups with old friends, and basically trying to orientate myself back to Singapore. it was such a strange and surreal feeling. at some moments, i actually turned my head whenever a big group of people starting speaking in Singlish, only to remind myself quickly that i'm back at home already. haha. the rest of the month was basically spent readjusting my life, and preparing for the upcoming semester of academic craziness. took up tuition again, along with being a grader for a foundation CS module.

August
started the month with a trip to Batam with some hall friends/seniors.. i wasnt exactly that close to some of them at the beginning, but the trip was still pretty much enjoyable. it was a relaxing trip just chilling by the seaside, a stark contrast to the hectic itinerary in Europe. it was then the start of a new academic year, my final one. had my FYP settled, one which couldn't have been more fitting for my interests. took my project module as well, CS4201, in which i met a new group of friends in my cohort yet again. took CS4243 comp vision, GEK1519 science of music, and MUA3210 chamber singers. the workload didnt seem that heavy at all, but i had quite a bit of trouble struggling to keep up soon enough. i guess it was the SEP syndrome, but soon enough, i managed. sci of music was a great module, never regretted saving up for it, even though i didnt turn up for most of the lectures in the end. chamber singers was another module that i was saving my timetable for, and i never regretted it as well. August also saw me auditioning for yet another life-changing encounter, Voices. i got in as a keyboardist after not making it as a vocalist, which, i suspect, was seriously due to a lack of practice after 6 months of non-singing.

September
the month kicked started with a camp that change my life, because i met this group of amazing musicians that literally led to us talking to each other non-stop for the next 2 months, preparing for an eventual concert in October. this was also a disastrous month for my family, when literally my entire family except me, fell very, very sick. i was nearly on the verge of a breakdown then, and i had to admit it was this group of new friends from Voices that sustained me through that period. though it's amazing how much relations can change in a matter of 1-2 months. i encountered my first breakdown in my musical skills too, with this group of people. they made me question my ability, attitude and basically everything that i had taken for granted since i started performing in hall. my confidence literally reached an all-time low. but amidst all these drama, i also got to record my first ever song in a recording studio, thanks to RH Concert. it sounded awful on first hearing, but now that i listen to the final product again, i guess it wasn't all that bad. =) was a great experience just by itself, standing in the recording studio, wearing headphones, singing into the mic, just like MTVs.

October
this was an eventful month, literally. i had 3 performances, 2 of which were for chamber singers, and 1 for Voices. as i had mentioned, relations turned for the worse, somehow, and the last straw i guess was the concert itself. i was so relieved after the concert was over, although i guess i did an ok job for the item afterall. ironically, my confidence level came back up again after the concert was over. this whole Voices thing, besides giving me a passing group of friends, definitely brought my skills to another level. that was my only console for letting myself go through all those emotions. on the other end, i attended 2 important events this month as well, RH Concert, which was really good and brought back so much memories, and also er jie's wedding. i remember dreaming of the day my sisters would get married when i was young... it was nothing like what i had imagine. but it was still amazing. i guess it still hasnt gotten into my mind totally, that my er jie now belongs to another man, and my da jie would be, too, by this time next year. everything just.... happened. i loved the wedding, although it made me question myself the million dollar question, of when it would ever happen for myself.

November
this was a month of cleaning up work.. projects, FYP, exams, everything.... i was glad it all turned out well in the end, less the exam for comp vision which i sorta screwed up. but i guess at this stage, i can't be less bothered about my grades, already. i still believe in fate. and, this semester without hall seems to be equally eventful and i was, for one, glad to be out of all the drama happening inside... i guess i had enough.

December
i spent the most alone time this month, finally back at home. i wasnt complaining at all, spending days after days watching tv series, watching and rewatching glee, and rediscovering my skills and passion for my piano, guitar and voice. went for the usual carolling sessions with RH choir, although this time, i didn't have unplugged anymore. went to Zhuhai/Macau with my parents, a trip which taught me to care for my parents even more. i guess i couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my last official school holiday. i had a great time simply slacking and doing nothing.

well... finally done. this year was a culmination of all sorts of emotions and tested my limits in many ways. without 2nd thoughts, 2011 is officially the most epic year of my 22 years of existence.

17 countries, 36 cities, 4 public musical performances, 2 studio recordings opportunities, >1000 photos, and loads of new friends. all in 12 months. couldn't have asked for a better way to spend a year. i knew 2011 would be a life-changing year, and it was. could i have been any more blessed?

here's to a better year 2012 ahead. end of the world or not, i wish for all things good to happen.

start of another end.

2011-12-28T18:24:00.002+08:00

final semester, yet another choice to make. to sing into an unknown future, or to make a more certain one with video making. im talking about two clashing modules that i gotta decide by this week, probably. not sure how much of the future its gonna affect at all, but this being the last semester definitely just makes making such decision ten times harder. sigh.

its been nice spending the past few days at home, with myself. got lots of reflections to do for this year and i probably shld do it soon. epic is an understatement for all that's happened this year.

meanwhile, guess its a good time to put up something i've been working on earlier this holidays. meant for a songwriting (or rather, lyrics writing) competition originally but i gave up submitting even though i finished it before the deadline.. guess i decided then that it is still pretty much substandard, and i am not ready to really expose a deeper layer of my feelings to the whole world. a part of me left behind in different parts of europe. this blog is probably as far as i would go, for now.

《错觉》

走我们心平气和地往前走
身边的人事物像点缀品一样掩饰沉默

走我们的步伐都相同
可是都各自沉浸在没有彼此的时空
夜空下心灵埋入黑暗看不透

可是为什么这时候的我
脑海里飘浮都是你的温柔
错觉让我被打动

可是为什么身边你的手
现实中距离很不多却又不能握
夜深人静的时候只有假象陪着我

走我们的步伐都相同
可是都各自沉浸在没有彼此的时空
夜空下心灵埋入黑暗看不透

可是为什么这时候的我
脑海里飘浮都是你的温柔
错觉让我被打动

可是为什么身边你的手
现实中距离很不多却又不能握
夜深人静的时候只有假象陪着我

只是为什么这样的感受
它让我沉溺在寂寞却又伴着我
走在安静的街头你始终没回过眸

在你身边走的我只在错觉徘徊中

trip

2011-12-25T18:16:00.007+08:00

havent had time at all after the macau+zhuhai trip to blog at all.. or maybe im just being lazy.

spending christmas alone at home isnt that bad, really, because i finally get to have some quiet time by myself after all those stuff over the past few weeks. ive been saying this, but christmas has always been my free-est holiday, with no special someone to spend with and with my family not celebrating it. so yea.. its kinda always been a peaceful quiet day for me, and i pretty much like it.

on a random note, its amazing how long i can actually survive without office & adobe.. just got down to installing them on my new laptop now. haha. going on well, loving my new laptop (not as much as my old one, but this is definitely more functional). i really should get down to doing my fyp like, really soon. before things continue tumbling down.

many things to update about...

first, the trip itself. as it turns out it was more of a zhuhai(china) trip than a macau trip, and i must say i really like macau more than china itself. nevertheless, it was a unique experience by itself trying hard not to succumb to the sweet talking of the saleppl and even the tour guides themselves, blatantly forcing customers into buying more useless items. glad to say i did manage to stop my parents from doing more stupid things and i guess that had to be my greatest accomplishment for the whole trip. haha. we had half a free day in macau and i was more than happy to act as tour guide for the day, bringing my parents on a bus trip around macau, getting to unknown places for the famous egg tarts and to attractions that the tour group wouldnt get to go. macau was a good experience for me although i wished we had more time there. well.. was an ok trip overall. i guess ive just gotten too used to travelling with friends/young ppl that i've kinda forgotten how to accommodate to travelling with my family once more. good to know.

results came out halfway through the trip, subscribed to the sms service for the first time and the results came really early. nothing unexpected this time, although i would really have wanted more. it's a case of aiming high, and dropping high. my results this semester were not bad at all, got my first A+ in my entire uni life (from sci of music) and an A for the 2MC chamber singers (not an A+, but i can't complain, can i?). in contrast, A- for the project module (which was considered a blessing already, considering how badly the final presentation went), and a dreaded B+ for comp vision.... like many people have said, B+ isnt a grade you complain about but its not something u are entirely proud of, either... if only i had secured that 15 more marks in the exam... 2nd upper wouldnt be that impossible then. well, that is only if i secure a CAP 5.0 next semester. so yea, its still a pretty impossible task afterall, huh.

i guess now the question i have for myself is, which path to go next. as it seems, the music path has been working well for me thus far, but i don't know how much further it can go. the future can never be more vulnerable. i told my parents that i really didnt know what to do. the obvious fact that my mother wanted me to take over her small business aside, all she said was, go with what you are good at. and then i said, i'm good at music, from what i see from my results. and she said, then do music! well.... if only it was as easy as it seems to be. only one final semester left, and so many choices to make...

anw, came back from the trip with a slight flu & cough, but not bad enough for the activities the next few days~

first up was a christmas party at hak liang's, all the way in the east.. was a great party, great gift exchange and nice time looking at random photos and unveiling stories that have been hidden for months. haha. can't be more contented with this group of SEP mates i've made, and the way things turn out. =)

carolling for the next 2 days leading to christmas... my 2nd and 3rd days of carolling this year, respectively. simply cant get enough of christmas songs, of performing as a choir, of making music. we may not be the best choirs around, but to get this chance to perform year after year in random locations around singapore, often with familiar faces, it's something im thankful for. =)

well... and just another thing that arose during this holidays. after all the drama that happened over the semester, i guess this holidays i got to spend a little more time with the parties on the other side of the spectrum (of the drama)... and it's then that u realise that there's really two sides to every story, and that everybody are really just trying their best to survive in this crazy world. no malicious intentions, just plenty of misunderstandings. then again, that's just what it appears to be on the surface. perhaps glee has really taught me to open up to many issues that ive really kept a narrow mind about, just a couple of years ago. or perhaps its all these things that happened around me that made me realise. i dont know, but either way, im really looking at the world in a very different way from when i first entered university. and i think it's a good thing. =)

got a few more things to post before the end of this epic year arrives. stay around~

holiday

2011-12-17T10:34:00.003+08:00

had one of the most peaceful birthdays in years, and it was great spending it with close friends.. after timbre on wednesday, met up with jing ying on thursday, watched the muppets and had dinner.

friday, the day, was spent ktv-ing at chinatown with sheri and jiayong. kinda surreal how much things can change in 3 years. 3 years ago we were all there at the same place, different circumstances, many more people.

finally met up with karen for dinner + supper + movie, mission impossible, which turned out pretty good. =)

to macau. may all be well. =)

what.

2011-12-15T11:27:00.002+08:00

baffles me how some ppl just cant get enough of getting back at me.. or at least it seems like what it is, from what i am seeing right now.

i get it that u are insecure, u want to be the centre of attention of the group. but is there a need to do those things u did? out of nowhere? seriously, i don't get it.

u are free to do whatever you want, but please, stop trying to destroy my social life, if that's what u have been intending to do. what good do u get out of all these? if response is what u are looking for, then sorry, im not interested.

no surprises who i'm talking about here, i just needed somewhere to rant it out. im not sure how long more i can hold out to this absurdness, but as of now, i have better things to do than to stoop down to that level and make any form of response. i am seriously irritated the hell out of this. zzzz.

on a brighter note, im happy to have a 1+3 consecutive days bday celebrations, thanks to my good friends. am really appreciative of all the friends i've made over the years... even though many a times i still find myself date-less on important occasions, but im just happy to know that no matter what happens, these friends are just a message away, of some sorts. =)

just went to timbre again with shihua pt and wilson.. had a great time catching up after the crazy semester. its so nice to realise how we're all just getting older and older as the years go by.

got my new laptop finally, on monday. have yet to set it up and i should really do it soooon. finally i will have a fully functional laptop after like, half a semester of crap. haha. and once its set up, its time for fypppp.

everybody is so busy this holidays, and i probably should be doing the same.

not until i'm done with all the bday stuff and the macau trip. and a christmas party after. not gonna let any stupid thing spoil my mood and drive. =)

holiday randoms

2011-12-12T00:17:00.002+08:00

havent been updating much cos... basically nth major has happened recently.

just trying to enjoy the holidays for as much as i can, while work is generally flooding in.

so what have i been up to?

got dragged to work in my mum's office for 2 weeks, not a daily thing but yea.. it takes up time. this really feels more like a responsibility to me than anything else, and right now as im thinking of what i shld be doing with my future, all the more i just dont feel a connection. i dont know.... i guess i just need more time to figure things out. i dont know how far everything can take me to. laid out in front of me right now are actually quite a few paths. and each one of them just seem so achievable yet unachievable at the same time. some door closed behind me, and im trying to open more at the same time. i guess that's just life, afterall. the endless process of leaving behind closed doors and opening new doors, discovering new paths, and getting used to them. but as of now, i.really.need.to.figure.what.to.do. at least for the next 1 year or so.

days after the exam were spent exploring singapore... with the tourist friends i have haha. first the national museum for the paris musuem exhibition, then sentosa for the merlion and the beach.. its always a refreshing feeling to explore this home of mine with non-singaporeans. haha. i suppose ppl will always have doubts about their own hometown. and so do i. but after visiting so many cities over the past year, i have come to appreciate this little island and the beauty of it.. somewhat. glad to be where i am. =)

met up with shihua on tuesday for a walk down orchard road.. literally. while i picked up some stuff that i've been wanting to buy. i think we really are getting old. town just doesnt attract us any more, and that day just proved the point. hahaha. we definitely need some new, "grown-up" activities, haha =)

"work" officially began on wednesday, along with project work discussion as well. nex thing i need to start on is the FYP which could make or break my future. well, not until i get my new laptop. in dire need of it right now.

timbre outing with the SEP ppl on friday. it was a great outing as usual, the group of ppl who met in a foreign land and had nothing to worry about but having fun and whether we had enough food and shelter over our heads. haha. some things definitely didnt turn out the way i would have preferred them to, but nevertheless i'm glad i came back from SEP with this group of friends. nothing more i could have asked for, i guess.

and i'm probably going to timbre again soon, hehe.

have been in touch with music again this holidays, happily.

thanks (or no thanks) to glee as well, which i am still absolutely addicted right now and got myself a new idol called darren criss. hahaha. i think its the talent. and whenever this kind of things happen, i feel nothing but more inspiration and push to do better than what i am right now.

its slightly strange to not be performing with unplugged this holidays, as ive been doing so for the past 3 years. but i guess i've had my fun. and i amazed myself with the repertoire of christmas songs i know right now. every other christmas song thats being played in the malls right now, i would have somehow heard or performed them before in the span of the last 3 years. well, technically i can add 4 more years of secondary school choir to it. but yea. christmas is my favourite holiday too, not for family or religion, but for me, its for the music. <3

glad to still be able to join RH carolling whenever i want to. and there's just this thing about being one of the better ones, and knowing it. it's not supposed to be like this, but i guess every human just wants to feel appreciated once in a while. i reflected a lot about the confidence issues that happened a couple of months ago in Voices, and i guess it has alot to do with relative ability. it's definitely not a good thing if i am actually thinking pursuing performing arts further in the future, but i think every now and then, some sort of push like that is needed in order for me to get better.

i just got back to my piano a few weeks ago, after a long hiatus to the computer keyboard. i was actually pleased with how much i've improved after the whole Voices thing. if i got nothing else out of it, i guess my personal skills did improve slightly afterall. and speaking of which, the keyboard is still lying there innocently in my house. as if to remind me of the whole fiasco that happened within half a semester. honestly, i dont know what to do with it. and it shall just continue lying there, along with many other things i've leaved behind, until one day, the time comes around to resolve it.

picked up my guitar today after yet another long hiatus, because nobody was at home. my left fingers are red and bruised once again from all the playing, but the pain actually felt good. i love the music.

sometimes, i think i just don't have the courage to go forward with everything i know i have a slight chance of succeeding in, for the greater fear of failing, or not getting recognised, or the worse of all, finding out that i'm actually not as good as i think i am. which has actually happened so many times before and i really should have gotten used to these obstacles, but no, i still havent. and it's just stopping me from doing anything great personally.

personal strength can only go so far, as i have come to realise. where do i get more of such courage to carry on? i hope i find it before the end of my final semester. either in the form of even greater personal strength, or in the form of an external support which i have absolutely no idea how and what it would be. wish me luck?

go on.

2011-12-01T01:59:00.002+08:00

possibly my last exam in nus, done.

wasn't up to my expectations, at all... i partially blame the mosquito which kept me up all night the night before, but after thinking and talking to ppl... i guess it's just telling me that perhaps i shouldnt be trying so hard already. while the goal itself isn't impossible, time and again, things just keep cropping up making the goal further and further away from me.

perhaps, it just doesn't matter actually. i will still try my best to get what i can, at least i know i did try, i guess. =)

in other news, the build-up to this exam was like an actual holiday for me... intertwined with watching glee episodes, random facebooking and watching other random shows. nothing serious touched.

boardgaming with john sk and crystal today, was nice and it did draw my mind away from thinking about the potential marks i could have gotten... it's not little. it still tugs at my heart, but i have to let it go. its really telling me that i'm just not meant for it.

and because the exam is finally over, there's just soooo many things waiting for me to settle.

time to clean up my life and just, move on.

and so, i stumbled through yet another epic semester.

before the exam.

2011-11-30T01:40:00.002+08:00

it just feels like the holidays have started long ago...

been watching lots of glee over the past few days. its amazing how rewatching the episodes made me draw more and more parallels to my own life, despite their larger-than-life portrayal of many behaviors. made me rethink why i decided that music is part of my life, and what i really wanna do next. the answer is, i still don't know. and glee songs accompanied me through the studying of this one and only module.

my progress in understanding the contents of the entire module is indeed exponential, but at least i think im pretty much at the peak already. haven't read through my notes 3 times before in my entire life. although this doesn't guarantee me doing well, i would like to think i'd have sufficient understanding to at least tide me through the exam and hopefully the grade will do me justice in the end. we'll see. although seriously being a year 4 really means u dont care that much, anymore.

been feeling strangely nostalgic these few days, walking around various parts of the school, alone. it seems to be a common consensus that it is normal to be alone in year 4. and so I am not alone afterall. hmm.

i have had an amazing college life. when i look back, i dont think i'd ever regret every single decision i made. even if it involved sacrificing potential grades for potentially useless life experiences. even if it involved spending (quite a lot of) unnecessary money on short-term enjoyment. even if it involved slipping and falling and coming back up, more than once. =)

i look forward to the upcoming enriching holiday that i'll have.

friends, family, macau, fyp, coding, music, and watching even more shows. =)

rumour has it

2011-11-24T01:57:00.002+08:00

i amaze myself sometimes, at how i can get totally nothing done by spending it at home youtubing random videos. not that im a least bit guilty cos i still have an entire week to study for my one module, which i must do well in. bah.

had a nice chatting session with john and anna at the rooftop of some engine building last night, and i just cant help but marvel at how everything unfolds over the years... and especially at how many things just explode in our final year. like straight out of an episode of gossip girl. drama script writers dont get their inspirations from nowhere.

my personal journey through the last 3.5 years havent been exactly been smooth either, although most of it happened under pretty much cover (or at least i think they were). and i am still in the process of discovering what really matters, and what dont.

if there's anything i've learnt in university, it is that life.goes.on. no matter what happens. nothing goes back in time for you. and i'm actually quite glad i made the most out of the happy times over the past 3.5 years. good or bad, i guess i'm glad i experienced all that i've experienced. no regrets.

so, what's ahead?

愚人的国度

2011-11-21T00:18:00.003+08:00

recorded on 11.11.11... finally have time to put it here. actually did it many times and i think im finally a little bit more pleased with it, minus the wrong notes and lyrics =.=

its actually the first song that i figured the chords out myself =) before school started, back in july. i remembered itching to play the piano when i heard this song back in sweden. so here i am. =)

minus the stress and pressure to do stuff i'm not comfortable with, im definitely feeling so much better.

爱，是愚人的国度。

reading

2011-11-18T17:26:00.004+08:00

coming to the end of reading week although it was almost non-existant for me and basically, serves me not much purpose. seeing as i have 1.5 weeks to study for my 1 exam, i shall make full use of my remaining time.

i think screwing up must be the theme of my semester too, along with incompetence.

whole reading week was spent on comp vision project, which turned out not bad at all. there was alot of last minute scares due to our lack of time, but as with any other projects done with my 2 buddies in SoC, things just cant go wrong. so yea, we successfully smoked out a presentation and a really imba program which kept breaking but nevertheless showed its prowess to the prof. and so we got the best project for the topic. =)) must be the first good thing (academically) that happened to me this semester.. oh, not forgetting sci of music which i managed to secure full marks again (along with many others) so... i just need more luck with my essay and midi, i guess.

good things aside, bad things are happening non-stop too. fyp hasnt been going smoothly at all and still isnt. spent too much time on the comp vision project (which was worth it afterall) and instead neglected preparation for fyp evaluation meeting. well, meeting being meeting, i really had thought it was supposed to be an informal one and it probably took the profs by surprise that i didnt prepare a formal presentation for them. i probably looked quite bad, but thinking back, i guess there was no way i could have salvaged anything either, because slow progress is slow progress. there's a limit to how much i could have smoked with a better presentation anyway. oh wells. i just hope the report do me justice in the end.

its ironic how i have been aiming for the stars this academic year, but one module by another, i was being brought down... things like this always happens once in a while, doesnt it? i can't possibly be amongst the stars all the time. =/ somewhere along the way, things must have been lost.

今天去看了《那些年》，果然是好看，但不同人看了，应该有不同的结论吧。
我呢，看着看着，虽然跟着众人希望男女主角在一起，但可能随着年龄的增加吧，不自觉开始注意起配角。感同身受的，是女主角身边的好朋友，而不是众多男生追着的女主角。从小到大我就是女主角身边的好朋友，尝试过做女主角，但总是没好结果。世上能有几个女生能够做上电影里那种女主角啊？配角的生活虽然相对之下总是次要，但怎么说也通常有着他们自己美好的结局吧。期待那一天的到来。

picking up

2011-11-15T05:17:00.003+08:00

it's the reading week although i dont exactly feel much difference in my life. that's normal for a year 4.

projects after projects ended. the project module ended on not-that-good a note, but i've since learnt to let go and accept the choice i made at the start of the semester. i chose "competence" above all other factors, and in the end it all backfired.... the first time it ever happened to me. well to be fair, i didnt have much other choices to begin with, owing to the fact that i have been pretty much a phantom in my own faculty. well... i can only hope for the best from now on. it took me one semester to figure out what's going on, and now that i do, i guess its time for me to do something.

fyp has been going ok, but there's so much more things waiting for me to do and yet time and again i brush them all aside. i look forward to the day i can concentrate fully on it.

sci of music was, as usual, pretty good. the test, that is. the midi composition was yet another last-minute attempt by me, i was quite pleased by the end result, but as with any other things music-related, the sense of incompetence as compared to many of the people i know out there, it just grows.

met up with the 3 familiar faces in my first 6 months of the year. things haven't changed, i guess the one that changed was me.. the way i am looking at things now. my attitude towards a certain behavior remains the same but all the more i was trying to brush it aside and let everything be.... whereas on another note, i guess i have to be thankful for everything pleasant that had happened, and never dwell on things that never were. and i think i have given enough of my appreciation so far, to not hold anymore unnecessary guilt in my heart, anymore. the most important thing isnt to let someone go, but to let yourself go too..

the rainbow i saw today, reminded me of my favourite phrase that kept me going last time. 阳光总在风雨后. i didnt let myself step into the deepest and darkest hole again, but still, i am looking forward to the day where the sun will finally begin to shine gently towards me.

it's a rush of project till thursday. i look forward to me (temporary) freedom then.

managing expectations

2011-11-09T02:22:00.002+08:00

what a day.

after a few days of intensive working on the project module, working from day to night literally, it was finally the time for the final presentation. it was probably the first time that i was so unprepared for a presentation, and felt so helpless at the same time. to sum it all up, it was as bad as it could go... i havent had such a bad feeling about a presentation for a long time....

to be fair, the work done within this short period of time is amazing. the team is capable of producing powerful things, if collective effort is actually being put in. problem is, the team is not functioning, at all. and i don't know how i can fix it, because i dont feel like im in the power to do so. confidence issues again? i dont think so... its more of the way things are right now, that makes it so difficult for me to be in control of the situation, and i guess that probably explains why im feeling so particularly bad about this whole project.... that i am not in control of it, at all.

i probably wouldn't get a really bad grade, but to say the truth, i had high expectations this semester. like, really high. because for once, i felt that i could really do great things. but one by one, things have failed me... maybe if this was one of those previous semesters i would have be satisfied. but not this time. i just can't get over the fact that so much more could have been done but wasn't. was it my fault for not stepping up to salvage it?? could i have done anything?? i probably wouldnt know the answer because it is a "what if" that will always remain.

incompetence is probably the theme of my semester, ironically. first voices, now academically.

the only feel-good thing i had throughout the sem was probably chamber singers, which happily ended today as well. the last session of recording was good personally as i got to stand in a mixed position in a reaaaallly long time. its a great feeling to hear yourself blend in with the person standing next to you singing a different note. i guess i could never detach myself from choral singing because i just feel so attached to choir ppl in general, and how my personality is so much closer to theirs than to those from voices. although i must admit i have indeed drifted over the past few years. i have long established that i aint the best in choir, but contrary to other fields, singing in choir doesnt need you to be the best. it just needs you to fit in. which i am happy to. so yea, that ended the pretty good semester of singing and the next thing i could pray for is a good grade. and that my timetable doesn't clash next semester so i can continue with it.

along with the theme of self-exploration this sem, i was unintentionally roped into attending prof ben's last lecture in his famous module. just because i was sitting in the classroom trying to wrap up some project stuff. lol. well i could have left halfway but i felt like it was actually worth sitting through, which i did in the end. first thing i have to mention is that he really speaks like his brother does. lol. i dont know what kind of luck i have here, to be able to meet two brothers of super high calibre in both tech & soft skills. but they are one of the most amazing ppl i met so far. well after sitting through the lecture i got an idea of why there was this ben craze going on in both students and other profs in SoC alike. i guess some ppl just dont get it, that not everybody can do such things. it takes alot of wisdom and EQ, which many profs obviously dont have. i wasn't utterly inspired by the content of his lecture, to be honest, because most of them were simple life mottos and theories that i have been exploring by myself anyway. things like believing in oneself, accepting who u are and who u are not, managing yourself before managing others, etc... i have always been a firm believer that only you can control yourself, nobody else can. i was on the verge of depression not too long ago. if i hadnt pressed on, if i hadnt stop whining at how ugly the world is, if i hadnt met wonderful ppl along the way, i dont know how i'd be now. probably still one of those people whom i just can't stand right now. for some reason i am having a lower and lower tolerance for incompetence, even though i know that i aint very competent myself. its just so ironic.

so, prof ben's lecture probably did come just in time for myself too. it was a good reassurance of what i've always been believing in.... and i realise im probably sounding super stuck up now. haha. but i just cant stop nodding at myself at every other thing he said that just made so much sense.

i am far from a high EQ, but i'm pretty sure many people out there needs a lot more of it...

and i need to manage my expectations of other things too. because things never work they way you want them to be. take the good and forget the bad, you'll find yourself so much more liberated.

just a few more hurdles before the end of the semester is in sight.... it's been an epic semester.

just a dream

2011-11-07T12:19:00.002+08:00

a dream from an unintended sleep, that left me stumped and doubting what i actually feel deep down inside.

i realised, it was only just a dream...

and a strange premonition popped into my head too. a strangely recurring event in my life since young... the direction i am heading to seems to be towards it, and i just cant help wondering what would happen next. its a completely stupid and out of the world thought, but no doubt one that kept me wondering through the years.

back to work in reality.

acad

2011-11-05T12:09:00.002+08:00

and so the concert season is over..

last friday was the last chamber singers performance that ended on quite a good note, acoustics, audience, intonation, all checked. =) just tt i nearly couldnt find the place and walked for like 15 min on a huge detour =.= and my feet hurt from standing in the not very fitting heels for one hour on end, and arm ached from holding the folder for an hour. but everything was great, i cant reiterate again how thankful i am to have made this choice of joining them this year.

immediately after concerts, the academics start all over again. being a year 4, you have totally no time to have a post-concert syndrome.. seeing all those voices juniors exclaiming and basking on the post-concert mood... well, i just told myself, im so over it. and i am.

saturday was invigilation for PE2 for the CS module i've been grading for. once i stood in front of the class with another more capable and qualified person, the confidence issues came back in again.... i really dont know if i shld be teaching next sem, or just continue with the bg job of grading. in any case, i dont have to decide, yet. =)

recording sessions for chamber singers started, and will end next tuesday. second time stepping into the recording studio.... i never would have dreamt that one day, i would be standing at the very spot that music artistes stood for album recordings... but here i am! other than a dream come true, i cant think of a better way to express how i feel everytime i step in..

and then it was the mad rush for fyp interim report submission. for me it was the ultimate last minute rush, as i literally havent been doing anything much over the semester. all the last minute report readings, research, designs.... i think it paid off well in the end. =) prof replied me on the day of the submission, just a few hours before i was supposed to submit, to say that he thought it "looked pretty good" and that i write well.. i cant be more pleasantly surprised, at this stage. =) so i proceeded to submit in school after a mad rush for drawing out the designs and crapping out more content.. knocked on the 2 prof's doors.. my fyp prof asked me smth about android that i couldnt answer again... gah.

went to the airport with my parents again, to send my auntie off, back to the US. she was here visiting for a few weeks for my er jie's wedding.. that was when i realised how exchange has changed my outlook of the world, so much more than i had imagined... 24 hours of flight.. so what? USA... isn't that far off afterall. it's still part of the world.

as i made some advancements in my academics recently, i begin to think about the job issue again.. the whole world has started looking for jobs, if not, on the way to securing one.

whereas i am still here, exploring new possibilities and being all undecisive about that i want to do.

i have a few more months to decide if i should embark on yet another overseas journey to the USA after graduation. graduate internship. i'm not sure if that is a good idea, and i should probably consult a few more people too.

in other news, its the second time in the semester i've heard that some guy is "afraid" of me.. (though i seriously doubt the authenticity of the exact word used)... and i seriously dont understand how. contemplated asking so, but decided that i shld just remain who i am, and not change just because some ppl have a misjudgement of me. i think my personality greatly differs with different groups of people and environment. recalling how i became when i was on exchange... it definitely wasnt someone that guys would be afraid of. all my false strength that i put up back at home, my comfort zone, they just disappeared to nowhere over that 6 months. i became reliant on the most stupidest things ever, became a greater loner than i originally already was..

that effect probably continued on to the first few months of the semester as well... although i was glad i plucked up the all the remaining courage i had to join new activities, find new project mates, mix with more people for sake of my better social life, without hall.

the old me that i was before i went for exchange is probably slowly coming back. =) sometimes im not sure if thats a good or bad thing. i dont know which one of it reflects a more accurate image of who i actually am.

well not that it matters so much now, for i have 3 more projects to be done over the next 2 weeks. it feels good to be so academically involved nowadays. relationships are really the last things on my mind now.

sometimes i just wish i never had to graduate.

let's play dress up

2011-10-29T13:35:00.001+08:00

been yet another week of craziness.. a week of dressing up and a whole bunch of emotions.

first was the mad rush for the wedding...

spent last wednesday, my only free day for the semester, going shopping alone to buy the dress and shoes and etc for the day. havent went shopping for so long and even though its crazy to be shopping in the midst of all these crazy stuff going on, it actually feels quite good. =)

friday was spent first going for my first manicure and pedicure sessions in preparation for the wedding, then it was a whole day of practice for voices, and tech run and etc... thought i could get some work done but as it turns out it was yet another day wasted. but anw, the tech run and the practices went well and i guess it must have been one of the best runs we had haha. watching the other items were great as well, but for some reason that was the point where i started doubting again, about whether im suited for all these stuff afterall. or whether i'm simply grown out of it after awhile.. it was a bad time to be feeling all these and it probably contributed to the bulk of weird emotions i experienced over the next few days.

friday night was a mad rush to clear the house for the fetching of bride next morning... haha it totally felt like chinese new year. except that the house was even cleaner than after any spring cleaning we've done.

saturday (very early) morning, the whole family was up and soon came the makeup artist, the sisters, the photographers, the videographers.... the house instantly became a celebrity shooting location.

the bridal car arrived, the groom came up, the gatecrashing started... everything was just so surreal, i never would have imagine all these things happening in my house one day, and it did, exactly the way anyone would have imagined it to be. even more surreal when some of the brothers are teachers (thankfully none taught me) haha. the groom came in, fetched the bride, they left, and then my mother starting commenting on marriage etc... well so now it' a fact, that my er jie is officially married and there is one less person in my room, one less laptop, one less person sleeping, one less of everything. not that its a vast difference from the past 1-2 years, but yes, there is still a difference.

relatives came and tea ceremony started at around noon. everything was so much of a "for show" thing, but deep down inside, i guess all these traditions still have their purpose and use. =)

after a short nap for everyone and me desperately trying to finish up my sci of music essay (which i did, in the end), it was time to go to the hotel to prepare for the dinner. a wedding isn't just the couple's affair, as i had learnt. it involves the whole family. so we got the stylist to style, and then went to our respective roles... i was in charged of controlling the laptop haha, and everything was pretty good except for the part when i screwed up the first march-in music because of a stupid wrong press of button that made the computer shut down 1 minute before the march-in >< was so so so guilty and depressed after that, but i guess in the end, it didnt matter that much afterall haha, cos everything just went past in a zoom and we have no idea exactly how much of the dinner was being remembered. it was just so ironic that as a (rather) musical person, i screwed up the very musical part that defined the wedding... sigh. but oh wells, at least everything else went well. i guess screwing up is pretty much the theme for the week, as i would have realised a few days later.

super super exhausted after the wedding dinner, with my brother-in-law (hmmm) half-drunk and my sister tired to the max... but we all agreed it was a wonderful night. and well, the highlight for me was mostly seeing so many sec sch teachers around... hahaha. some recognised me while some don't... i hesitated taking a picture with them but decided not to, haha. since they don't exactly remember me. but it got me thinking about the changing roles of people as life goes on. once a teacher, then a colleague, now a friend...

my er jie's story may seem like a happy ending but i know that's just the beginning of many things to come. and up next is my da jie's wedding next year... i don't know, everything is just so surreal that i can no longer feel anything anymore.

except for the neverending thought about who would it be for me, at the end of the day.. school? workplace? random activities? my sisters kinda taught me that things are never what u expect it to be. and that opposing personalities sometimes work.. rather than harping on the past, it's so much more relieving and healthier to move on, look forward and see what else in store for you. school is going to end for me soon and there doesn't seem to be a chance anywhere, to be honest. i'm not the only one with the same concern, after having spoken to many others. but really, i just believe that if it will happen, it will. if it's not meant to be, there is totally no point in biting on, as it would only make you go down in an endless spiral that leads to nowhere but darkness. others may laugh at you, pity you, or make you feel like there isn't a place for you in this world. but the fact is, nobody's gonna help you in this world except yourself. there's only so much good friends can connect with each other.

i daren't say i have found a purpose for myself yet, but at least i am feeling relatively comfortable right now doing whatever i'm doing. i guess i might never be the best in anything, contrary to what i have believed previously, but does it matter? it matters so much to some people, but for me, i guess i've just learnt to appreciate what comes by.

after the wedding frenzy was the concert frenzy... voices mini concert on tuesday.

was complaining throughout the weekend and on monday, about how i just didnt feel like i fit in anymore.. and on stage, the lack of confidence definitely gets amplified. i guess that's why i screwed up so many parts in performance in the end and ended up feeling dejected. i probably just opened the exit door for myself in that way, but somehow, i just couldn't care anymore. i was just thinking, even if i had done well and people come praising one after another, i still wouldn't have felt good because i just wasn't confident at the end of the day. knowing that im not the best wasn't difficult, but accepting it was, somehow, a challenge.

i guess i still have my group to thank for everything that i have experienced thus far... a few years ago i never would had dreamed of playing in a band / acoustic band performing keyboard, singing, etc.. and mixing with all these top-notched people in the field. i really am very thankful for having been given the chance, although i've pretty much screwed it up for myself. perhaps it' this kind of exposure that i was seeking afterall, the confirmation for myself that i'm just not made for it, that i'll never fit in because of my personality. it was enjoyable while it lasted and i have no regrets for joining them, neither would i have regrets if i were to leave them at this point.

but well, if it is meant to be an ending, it did end pretty well, i guess the performance wasn't as bad as what i thought in the end, and people still liked it.

now, the keyboard in my house still acts as a reminder that i was once part of my dream. its presence is somewhat ambiguous... i have grown to be quite attached to it, but at the same time, it doesn't belong to me at the end of the day. that's exactly how i'm feeling too. how now?

i guess i'd probably have to put this question on hold for now, as i embark on another journey now, for my FYP in which the progress is alarmingly SLOW. 200% effort from now till report submission and beyond...

its been a wonderful semester of self-discovery and i guess i'm still halfway there, still searching for the path im most comfortable with.

concert(ed)

2011-10-19T01:39:00.003+08:00

RH concert this year was yet another great success. 2nd time watching it as an outsider (with a minimal amount of involvement) and it still feels pretty great to have been part of the hall the made this happened.

although today was yet another epitome of awkwardness =.=||

remind me again why i cant be bothered arranging another outing again.

haha, not that u should be trusting someone who has an -issue- herself to be saying such things.

again, tell me why i still bother trying to make things right again, when the other party simply doesnt give a damn. or at least i dont see any effort coming from there. and because it takes two hands to clap, maybe i really shldnt bother again.

and instead, focus my time and energy on much more useful and worthwhile stuff.

ah, the wonders of human relations.

they say, it's a skill to be able to let go, not hold on. i guess i really need to know whats good for myself and whats not, and stop getting myself destroyed time and again.

i used to be a firm believer of holding on to everything possible. but the older u get, the more u realise that there is only so much you an afford to hold on to. and the rest, they are better off drifting past than being held and dragged back by you. not everything works the way u wish it to be, in fact, most things don't. so treasure those that do, and release those that dont.

les oiseaux

2011-10-18T00:54:00.003+08:00

just done with a pretty good but short concert today. i must say chamber singers must have been one of the best decisions i made in uni.. no-stress performances, just enjoying the singing in a choir with others. well one last concert next week, im pretty much gonna miss this module, and maybe, i might take it again next sem afterall. =)

anw, this song is stuck in my head.

sung by 3 super pro soloist from YST. couldnt help but just smile even when we're on stage hearing them sing in front.

now now, we'r halfway thru the the month. rh concert tmr, voices full dress on friday and performance on monday, erjie's wedding on saturday, chamber singers next friday, and another PE to invigilate next saturday. on top of group and individual projects.

the things that keep me going

expectations

2011-10-15T22:51:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i don't know whether to manage some people's expectations, or im just underestimating my own abilities.

a reply from the lecturer jolted me back to the same confidence issue again, so it seems like it's not only in one area that it struck back on me.

but sometimes i just feel that people are really expecting more from me than what i actually am. expecting me to perform like a professional keyboardist when i've only started playing for people some 1 year ago? and when my foundations are only that much? i dont know how to react to those comments, and sometimes i dont know if its supposed to mean good or bad. all i know is, i am only working to the best of my abilities and anything more than that, it wouldn't be me anymore. because i dont wanna be somebody i am not.

haha, i guess that's the truth that comes after all the initial honeymoon period. well, i choose remain in control of myself no matter what, and we shall see how far it will take me to.

in other news, i just spent the whole thursday night programming out a simple android app.. and ended up not sleeping, and meeting up with the prof in the afternoon. ended up with my work being not too appreciated, but still i was happy with my own work haha. alot more work coming up, exploring things i've never heard and touched. there, again, more breaking through.

there comes a question, if i were forced to do and understand things i never thought i could in terms of academics & IT stuff, why not the same for music? am i not being forced enough, or do i need to be forced in order to work and push my abilities?

i don't know. i just feel tired and saturated at the moment. there's just too much going on, and i am back to my hobby of staying in my own small comfort zone. my only source of relaxation so far is in chamber singers, where i can sing and make music without any worries and expectations. looking forward to the concert on monday, even if it's gonna be rather short. i miss the stage, in that way.

dead screen

2011-10-13T03:34:00.002+08:00

my laptop's screen has officially died so i can only depend on an external monitor for now, until i finally have the time and energy to get a new laptop - which i have yet to decide on.

life has been beyond busy. but at the same time i'm kinda liking how it is now, for the fact that it is putting me away from random thoughts that do me no good, although every now and then, things happen and im being reminded of things i do not want to be. oh wells.

a sudden muse on geeks, as i'm reading a few forum postings and blog entries from various people, mostly of whom are totally geeks, some of whom try to appear to be not geeky - but for one, they do share something in common - an ego. come to think of it, i guess this ego thing doesn't just apply to these geeks, but rather to every industry out there, to those ppl at the top, and who know that they're at the top. same for the music industry, as i've slowly come to realise too.

in any case, what i wanna say is how i just can't stand some of them at times.. especially those geeks that i'm talking about. i don't know whether to classify myself as one, sometimes, but i choose not to, for the fact that my computing knowledge is really only as much as what the school has taught me so far, nothing much beyond that. yes, i have an interest, but no, i guess my interest just isn't as deep as some others. so yea, reading some of their blog posts and forum postings just gets on my nerves at times, because of the way they put people down as if they are the best (well, sometimes they are), and how they simply can't understand things from the normal ppl's (i.e. noobs') perspective. i was once a computing noob and still am, in fact, and i totally understand the frustration of not being able to understand geek terms and being put down as if you are a total idiot. i put in effort to read up after i encounter a foreign term, but i just don't have the motivation nor need to read up outside of that. simple as that, and i believe that applies to most ppl too. that doesn't make us any less intelligent as geeks.

i guess that's why i decided to sign up for the tutor job for the foundation cs module. although i didnt get the tutoring job in the end, i got myself a job as a grader to grade student's lab assignments and give constructive feedback. truth be told, i have no idea if my comments were constructive at all, and the effort i put in to mark those labs were, i guess 50%. what surprised me, though, was the apparently positive feedback about my marking from the students. well technically i didnt receive much feedback, except from the lecturer himself who relayed them. it was a really strong encouragement for me, for someone who hasnt done particularly well in anything, actually. then was the invitation to be a tutor next semester, of which i'm still deliberating upon due to lots of factors, one being the fact that, i'm not even sure if i'm up to it, looking at how all the rest of the tutors now can be classified as the "geeks" that i've described above. i'm the anomaly, as i'd like to put it. then i begin to rethink if my passion or rather, skill, is actually in teaching instead, looking at how every tuition session always gives me a sense of satisfaction, and how those 2 kids always seem to respond well to my teaching... well, in any case, that's just an option at the back of my mind...

i'm still pretty much undecided about my future for now.

in other news, i guess i should be staying at home more often these days, as er jie's wedding is in 1+ weeks' time. and i have yet to prepare anything. yea, i've realised that wedding preparations affect not only the one getting married, but the surrounding ppl as well. haha. i must say it's not a very good time for me though, while i'm drowning in the midst of projects and random activities. but no matter what, i've still gotta be there and prepared. so many things have been happening recently that the hype within me has simply disappeared.. i need to start getting excited again, because it is really literally once in a life time.

time to catch some sleep and possibly wake up to get some stuff done before chamber singers. i like how i'm looking forward to those sessions more and more. the wonders of bonding, really. i still love singing in a choir, it is where i belong, more than the solo stage.

and time to end off this boring post as well.

正常

2011-10-11T02:31:00.003+08:00

何曾何时，‘情’ 字从一种 “特别” 变成一种 “正常”？

情史、经验，竟成了人们的战利品？

好希望现在的我能回到几年前。我之前的日子应该会好过一些吧。

可能我就是总比正常人慢个三拍吧。

01:01, 11/10/11

2011-10-11T01:01:00.003+08:00

- supposed to complete my part for project module now. but facing lots of inertia.

- a certain group of new friends are still making my emotions go up and down every so often. the things we talk about, i can't help but feel super conflicted internally.

- don't know whether to take up yet another performance next week. ppl who already know my workload now will just say i'm crazy, but... it's just an opportunity.

- feel like munching on something now but should be more conscious of my health.

- can't stop listening to music which has become a form of distraction.

- simply has too much rubbish going on.

- needs to get my life organised.

continue;

2011-10-08T01:32:00.002+08:00

and so i stumbled through yet another crazy week... wasn't as bad as it seems, although i've accumulated plenty of sleep debt that i'm intending to pay back over the weekend.... not for too much, though.

chamber singers' first concert was on wednesday night. not exactly a concert since we only did 2 songs, but it was a good experience nevertheless.

couldnt wake up in time and decided to go to lecture late on wednesday, ended up doing nothing during the lecture in which i was almost one hour late, except grading remaining assignments. finished it all in time, then i proceeded to SCH to meet up with the rest of the chamber singers. i'm so glad we had this external performance, for it bonded most of us so well. many of us only knew each others' names now, halfway through the semester. haha. but better late than never. it was a great time as a team, less as a singer.. but it was so nice to be hanging around real choir ppl once again. the spontaneous singing and harmonising, discussing the top 3 conductors in singapore (as usual), and discussing how this module isnt what it seems to be, and how we just seem to make the most out of it by controlling the choral techniques ourselves. =.= haha. i miss choir afterall, and i totally didn't regret joining them. probably my one regret would be why i didnt join the NUSChoir or resonance.. well technically i didnt get into resonance in year 1, so that shldnt be a regret haha. when i hang out with choir ppl i always feel i fit in so much better than when im hanging out with other kinds of music ppl, for e.g. voice... but well, it's just so different. to be able to experience so much from both sides, i guess i shouldn't be complaining at all.

anw, met up with the voices group in the afternoon today for a short rehearsal before i had to leave for a series of talks and meetings for my fyp and project. i can feel myself fitting in better and better as the sessions go by, i dont know if its my skills or my attitude that has changed, actually, but at least for now im more comfortable doing what im doing, so i guess that's good. and ive said this before, but i cant be more thankful for how open all of them are regarding any issues or whatsoever... or maybe its the fact that we're just being more mature as we get older. haha. i really have no one to "not disappoint", other than myself. i'm doing this for myself more than anything else.

attended a computer music related talk in the late afternoon, and in the room there were only guys (or rather, men), and more than half were caucasians =.=||| but it was a really interesting talk for me, seeing how computers and codes are being used as musical instruments...

sometimes i wonder whether merging two interests together is a good thing. because at some point in time, some of the meaning in each one of them would be lost. in my case, it means giving up traditional music making for more techno music (which i absolutely hated previously). and also giving up making useful applications for mankind (which was my "big dream" when i decided to enter SoC), for making novel apps for a small niche population now.

and at the same time messing up my future outlook. seriously, what am i looking for?

i will be busying myself with both keyboards over the weekend i guess. i hope both take me somewhere in life, later.

today, someone in my project group asked me if i actually knew i am a year 4 now.

yes, i do, and that's precisely why i am drowning myself like this. i could regret not joining things earlier, but i don't wanna regret not trying those things out at all.

midst

2011-10-05T01:43:00.003+08:00

who i am to complain about other's whinings when im doing the same.

WHY DID I SIGN MYSELF UP FOR SO MUCH RUBBISH!! =(

what am i thinking, seriously. overestimated myself, once again.

technically they are not rubbish because i really really wanted to do all of them. i just wished i had double the time of others.

oh wells. back to work. this is one hell of a crazy week/month. i shall accomplish.

gleefully

2011-10-03T17:57:00.002+08:00

i just spent the entire weekend doing nothing but playing randomly on the keyboard and teaching tuition and entertaining relatives and in-laws who came over for my erjie's traditional wedding ceremony.

i hadn't had the house to myself in really long, so when i had it on sunday afternoon, i literally did nothing but play on the keyboard doing all sorts of things.

then at night was chamber singers rehearsal that made me go to school just for one hour.. it was pretty cool though, to be immersed in classical music once more, chamber orchestra chamber choir and all, with a relatively high standard. talking to the fellow "modulemates" just made me feel more at ease with myself afterall, knowing that i'm not the only one feeling the way i do about the module, and about choir singing in general. it's just always good to know you're not alone.

watched the first 2 episodes of the latest glee season finally, and all of a sudden it just made so much sense to me... the parts about musical achievements, the competitiveness and all. after all that i've experienced over the past 1.5 months or so, they didnt seem like drama to me anymore. they are real stuff that happens out there in the music industry, in the performing arts industry, and heck, maybe even in all other industries out there. the things people say, the things people do, just to get to what they want... just kinda reaffirmed myself that i'm still happily in my own small world and not willing to join them in this endless battle yet. no, im not made for that.

lots of things to be accomplished through the week again. the irony was that i just spent 4 hours talking on skype with the voices group.. havent have such talks in pretty long, and it was a refreshing change of topics from the usual drone of school work and projects and etc. and there's the irony because of all the doubts i had about being too involved. haha. oh wells.

currently very sleepy and im at com1 struggling to get some work done before going back. sci of music midterm tmr, my one and only midterm, i have a good feeling about it but lets just hope for the best.

quiet

2011-10-02T11:20:00.002+08:00

yet another recording, and no, this time i'm not singing. which explains the irregular rhythm. its an attempt to mix 2 songs together, if u can tell. =) im spending a disproportionate amount of time on these stuff, and really, im still trying to figure out if it'll all be worth it at the end of the day. need to redefine interests, i guess.

october has just started, and it will be a really intense month.

waiting for relatives and in-laws to come to my house for the traditional chinese ceremony for my sister's wedding.

back.

2011-10-01T02:14:00.004+08:00

that was one hell of a week after recess week, over. actually nothing much, recess week and non-recess weeks felt just the same to me.. my life has been pretty much the same.

i picked up a bad habit of procrastination these days, and i end up sleeping much more than usual. it's not good.

met shihua for lunch on thursday after a really long time, and i must say, nothing beats meeting up with your best friend, even if it's just for a short while, in the middle of the sem.

studio recording yesterday was amazing, in terms of the experience, but not amazing in terms of my performance haha. i think the same issue that happened to me for voices, came up once again. confidence issues have came back to haunt me after being hidden for a few years on end. it almost seems like those negative feelings never left. i just somehow managed to hide them very well, until i don't even realise it myself. and one fine day, they all decided to come back.

oh wells, i will still look forward to the final product since i trust it'll be in good (producing) hands.

and today was voices again, this time the situation was much more in control for myself. and i felt my old self coming back, finally. the person that didn't care about what others were thinking. the person that will perform to the best of her ability and not compare with others even if others do. even if the other ppl take a liking to some other ppl's styles and wonder why i can't be. i did what i could, and i'm happy with myself. so yay, i guess that's a step forward for myself. i told myself, after 1 week of thinking through and cooling down, that i have nothing to lose from just continuing to be myself. this is just who i am, my skills displayed out for them to see and utilise, and well if they do not end up liking it, i ain't obliged to change myself to fit. because for the past few weeks, i could literally feel myself losing myself and it's not a good feeling, almost like i'm not in control of what i'm doing anymore, and when this happens, it's when i subconsciously allow all the negativity to start pouring in and hit straight into my heart.

i have actually been through more bouts of negativity than most ppl who read my blog would have imagined. unless u actually knew me 10 years ago, i would say u actually don't know me that well afterall. there are some stories that i never told to recent friends, because i don't see the need to, and because these stories only serve to remind myself never to fall back into that blackhole once more, and serve to remind myself what's important at the end of the day. if anybody ever wondered how i got this "stable and strong" image i have apparently, to many people, well let me just tell you, i wasnt like this. at all.

the reason why i can't stand certain people in my life, i guess, is probably the fact that i see shadows of my past in them. and because i know that i have been there and done that, and that i myself have managed to come out of those negativity (not without the help of some precious friends, of course), i don't see why these people can't do it too. instead they just wallow in self pity and expect people to change for them. and i think these must have been the strongest words i've ever said in recent times, and i am fully aware that i am being totally biased, but i don't care. i don't know what came across me, must have been the conversations i've been having and my lost-and-found journey in my new cca.

and so that's it, i guess i've finally found my standing after a whole series of drama, and hey i really have NOTHING to lose, only things to gain, if any at all. now that's more like it.

geek alerts

2011-09-29T15:55:00.002+08:00

sitting in the middle of the com1 printing area now, ppl watching on the comfy couch, unwilling to start doing anything...

excitement of the week will probably be the recording of concert theme song later in the evening.

good thing i got my warm up from chamber singers earlier on in the day.

october will be a month of concerts for me.

5, 17, 25, 28.

rh concert on 18, er jie's wedding on 22.

exciting month indeed.

not forgetting projects projects and more projects.

by hook or by crook, i have to squeeze some progress out by tomorrow to ensure my survival for the next half of this semester.

i need to get more geek, haha.

and probably more musical at the same time. it's a motivation for me to take the musical leap and, what they call, "level up". i'm not even sure which level i'm at now, probably the tutorial mode or smth. haha.

at times, i really wished i were a full time musician instead. then reality kicks in and i realise im really not at that standard yet, and even then, i'd probably wish that i were a full time programmer instead.

the ironies of immersing yourself in both interests at the same time.

this semester is pretty epic in terms of my future outlook.

alrights time for lab.

and recording next. i think half the reason why im agreeing to help is really for the recording studio.... may it be good. =D

breathe

2011-09-24T12:19:00.002+08:00

i finally have some breathing space and time, although not for long.

recess week flew past like a jet. it's saturday and i've accomplished next to nothing other than clearing some small debts that i've been owing random ppl.

tuesday was KTV with the voices ppl, like half the whole cca. it's the first time i was going to KTV with a bunch of pros, and i must say their definition of KTV is indeed very different.. it's no longer for leisure, but for observation of each others' skills and invoking commments and criticisms and whatnots. oh well at least i didnt think i threw my face there, did a few songs reasonably well and the rest of the time i was contented with just sitting there listening to songs after songs of perfection.

didnt join the group for dinner but instead went to town to meetup with jy and john for a dinner at a korean restaurant at orchard central. quite funny how the 3 of us are so fated to each other, if u think about it. from year 1 till now, new media, marketing, all sorts of random nonsense and now we're back together as a group after circumstances after circumstances. hahaha.

jy had a meetup with his other friends after dinner, but becos john was so bored we decided to tag along LOL. ended up with 5 ppl at an irish pub, had some drinks and small talk before heading home and concussing without doing much work. zzz.

and the next day was KTV yet again, this time with the group of 4 that i was so fated to meet just a month ago. no, in fact we've only known each other for 3 weeks and it seems like forever. well not totally, given the fact that at this stage, we're still trying to get to know each other better. fast. a scary yet amazing thought. anyways, KTV with them was really enjoyable, nothing short of what i would have expected, singing songs after songs that i've always wanted to do, duets that i never got the chance to do properly, like "need you now", finally being sang the way it should, and finally ppl who understood everything about perfecting a song. haha. i still have a long way to go though, after the entire session, i concluded. i guess im quite glad i didnt end up as a soloist after all, because given my personality compared to theirs, i just aint made for the solo stage. chats after chats with them just confirmed the fact for myself.

anw i followed marcus home after tt to collect his keyboard from his house as he is lending it to me for practice, and now it is lying in my house, a strong reminder of this group of special ppl i've just met and the long way ahead. seriously, i dont know how and where this will take me to, but like what many ppl would like to say, life is too short to be hesitating further. even if this is gonna be a dead end or a head-on crash, i think it would still do me good to continue sailing on for now and see what happens next.

i know my posts for the past 3 weeks have been about nothing but this group of ppl, but perhaps u just cant help it if u've been chatting with them every day and night virtually and on the phone, and although the no. of time we're met each other can be counted on one hand, actually. peculiar. but intriguing.

in other news, my sch works hasnt been going on well at all, with fyp stagnant and i probably should start reviving it soon to save my own life.

grading assignments have never felt so torturous but at the same time i must say its a really good learning experience too.

and the projects just keep piling up non stop.

sometimes i just wonder if i'm trying to juggle more things than i can handle, now that i'm in my final year knowing that it's the last year i can ever do such things ever again. squeezing in more activities and emotions than i can handle. it's no wonder i feel so exhausted just halfway through the semester, although it felt like it all just started.

i never want to have regrets in my life, so i guess this is the only way to go.

problem

2011-09-20T04:14:00.003+08:00

i have a big problem in my life, as i realised.

i yearn for things, but when they do happen, i take a step back and hesitate. and procrastinate. and avoid.

and its been the root of so much of my problems recently.

first it was the whole music thing.

right now its my procrastination for grading of the PE programmes. haha. i asked for the job, thinking i would enjoy doing it, and true enough i do, but i just cant stop getting distracted by every single thing. what can be done in 1-2 hours takes me triple or quadruple the time.

same for my FYP which has been stagnant for the longest time ever. someone just needs to drill it into my head that i couldnt have gotten a better and more perfect project than this. and yet i brush it aside like anything else.

theres just smth wrong with me.

in any case, the NUH episode of my life has just came to an end when my da jie got discharged today. =) so much for an exhausting weekend. its time for me to pick up and move on with my own life again.

many things to be accomplished this recess week. and tuesday is fast approaching. i couldnt have wished any earlier that time would slow down for me and let me accomplish all the things i want to.

jiayou.

struggles

2011-09-18T23:59:00.002+08:00

every night in recent few nights, i face the same struggle over and over again. a struggle on whether or not to really take that leap of faith.

their words to me, 2 nights ago, still ring in my head. the hard truth, so cold yet so warm all at once.

i have had so many issues running through me recently. family. schwork. friends. and now my interest.

how far would this interest take me to? now i have this ready group right in front of me, apparently willing to push me through as long as i'm willing to take the leap.

problem is, am i ready?

i must be crazy to even be asking myself that, if i were other ppl. who wouldn't seize such an opportunity?

i feel the need to be wary, yet i feel the need to just... trust. and go on.

i guess i just need more time. and i am lucky they are giving me just that.. a time to properly think it through and realise what's important for me.

i want be believe things will happen. but i can't bring myself to believe it.

hello recess week, and hello issues.

breathless

2011-09-17T21:32:00.003+08:00

finally, the storm seems to be subsiding. slowly but surely.

watch out for this song soon.

drained

2011-09-17T02:28:00.003+08:00

i haven't felt so drained in a long time...

there comes a point when nothing else can provoke your heart further, given the amount of things that have just happened to me and the people around, within a short span of 2 days.

i am not in a mood to elaborate on too many things so here's just a brief runthrough of how i spent my day in NUH running around everywhere.

my mother didnt get better so we had to send her to A&E. did so after visiting my dajie at her ward, awaiting her operation in the afternoon.

doctor gave my mother the drip, so she stayed there for 2-3 hours while i went back to my dajie's ward to keep her company.

marcus came over to join me for lunch. after that when i went back to the ward, my da jie was just about to be pushed to the operating theatre.

so i walked to science library and spent a good half hour there sleeping, and the rest of the time spent randomly surfing the net. im glad i postponed my fyp meeting despite the fact that i could have made it. i just wasnt in a state of mind for any meetings.

decided to go back to NUH after 2 hours, thinking my da jie would be done with her operation. turns out it hadn't and my er jie came to join shortly after and both of us just waited outside the operating theatre... to no avail cos in the end she was pushed to somewhere else. lol.

so we went down for dinner, and when we went back up to the ward she was there, done with the operation.

although it was just a relatively minor ailment and operation, these images just can't get off my mind.

when everything was finally seemingly settled, i decided to go for voices, as a form of relief from everything...

only to end up with a new bout of stress, or emotions maybe.

i have a huge issue to deal with now, and that is friendship vs future. i seriously don't know if i envision a future with music right now, because i know the other 3 of my bandmates do. at the same time, there's this ever-so-compelling attraction to this group of people i've just met 3 weeks ago, that i can't find myself being able to disconnect with them just like this. probably because part of me feel that i can be up there too. in just a matter of time, don't know how much time.

i am still in awe about how they managed to pinpoint the very issue i had from the start with them, and that is the fact that i feel like a total mismatch in the group. in terms of standards and experiences and everything...

i guess its this form of honesty that is keeping me from just dropping everything and leaving. the phrase "you are good." appeared on my phone screen more than 10 times. anyone would have been flattered but for some weird reason, i wasn't, and i only ended up feeling more stressed. it probably transcends more than just the initial insecurity, because if you had known me 10 years ago, i would be looking up at the me now and wondering how on earth did she do all those things. ive come a really long way. and i guess i just need more time to accept it.

i reiterate that i cant be more grateful to have met this group. for all their belief in me when i didn't even believe in myself... and i guess this is no turning back. i asked for it myself and this is what i got. i shldnt let them, and let myself down anymore...

tired beyond limit. time to concuss...

crash and burn

2011-09-16T02:07:00.002+08:00

it's been a crazy day.

literally, crazy.

stayed up till 6am the previous night to finish grading lab assignments... and decided to go to sleep, only be woken up at 8.30am by my dajie cos she was too ill to get out of the house to buy some food, having been sick since the night before.... so because it was still early, i just cooked some porridge... putting whatever i learnt in uppsala to use lol.

made sure she was ok before heading to sch for my chamber singers, and then it was the news about nic losing his guitar on a cab to sch.... our spirits were really low throughout the day, thinking about his loss.. especially when we were supposed to be jamming today at my house.

went to comp vision lab and surprisingly managed to get everything done by the end of the session... just in time to meet the group to get to my house for a jamming session... first time i'm doing this! in my house! and seeing how my piano finally get revived back into use after many many years. =) we had a great and fruitful time just discussing about music, arranging songs, figuring out transitions and etc... and we jammed all the way till 10pm, not worrying abt disturbing my neighbours =S

my parents came back from their genting trip at night, and both were down with food poisoning from day 1. resulting in no play at all... and they looked pretty serious. my mum might have to head to the hospital tmr morning if things dont look better.

and then the 2nd piece of news came from them that my dajie was admitted to hospital for a case of suspected appendicitis....

and my erjie is currently sick as well.

which leaves me pretty much the only person left in the family to handle everything. EVERYTHING.

i never felt this kind of feeling ever before. that suddenly u felt the entire family depends on you.

having only slept 2 hours the previous night, im beyond sleepy now but randomly worried abt things here and there.

time to sleep now and ignore my FYP, no?

despite all these shit happening, i'm really thankful for the ready friends i have whom i could whine, complain and laugh together with.

i hope i am handling the situations well now.

and may everything be alright...

i don't know why im not feeling the "stress" but i guess that's a good thing afterall.

or maybe it's just the lack of sleep for the lack of emotions.

whatever it is, i think i have decided to just sleep now first, think later. good night.

too good to be true

2011-09-15T01:37:00.001+08:00

just had the craziest 3 days of the week so far, more to come.

monday started with a mad rush to finish up what i had to do for the project module, then rushing to school to meet the indy ppl for lunch at arts, then rushing to com1 to meet up with the groupmates for a meeting at clementi town sec sch with some teachers... the meeting turned out to be very fruitful and insightful, but it brought us so much more problems in the end... and we spent the rest of the day and night discussing our project idea that came to no conclusion. at the expense of skipping my comp vision lecture. sigh. and it was mid-autumn festival.

tuesday came and i skipped sci of music yet again. couldnt help it. went for chamber singers, had a relaxing time singing, and then it was time for a mad rush of project again... it was the deadline day and we only arrived at a compromised idea 4 hours before deadline?? everybody rushed for the deadline and deliverables.... and it was all settled roughly.

went home all concussed and etc, couldnt even do any other things...

and today it was finally the presentation for the project module, a grand 25% that we thought we were totally gonna flunk, but turned out to be not so bad afterall. during the arguing stage, i was half-regretting joining the group, but then after everything, now i am really glad i found this group. everything was well thought out and.. well, basically my group members are all too familiar with fitting the prof's requirements. lol.

after 3 hours of non-stop hearing of ideas, my lesson for the day was finally over and i went to meet anna and jy at arts canteen when they had their tea while i had lunch. spent all the time talking about what's happening in hall, etc.... lol. it's always the same few topics, blown up to different extents. while there's nothing i can say and do at this stage, i just hope that all these are just part and parcel of our experiences and that 10 years down the road, we will all meet up once more and look back and smile at what we've all been through together, thick and thin.

met up while i was on the way back to hall for the day, and we had a meeting for concert theme song - that's right, i just can't seem to disconnect from this place. lol. nah, its more of the fact that, since it's something i'm so into right now, i totally don't mind helping out in this part. it was an interesting meeting where, once again, i felt in control of situation.... after feeling like shit in my new cca. i totally felt the contrast at that point in time and it was a peculiar kind of feeling, actually.

i had some fun playing with the ever so familiar instruments in the band room as well - something i really do miss.

after the meeting, i spent the rest of the time at the upper lounge with john, trying hard to do stuff but in actual fact just whining randomly about life. lol. we left for subway for dinner at 9pm before i headed home. i actually found it a great way to relax after 3 consecutive crazily intensive days/nights.

well, aside from the fact that i have another 15 more lab assignments to grade. and a lab to complete. and an fyp to update on.

i think what's been keeping sane these few nights are the daily random conversation we had on whatsapp - with the 3 new ppl i met just 2 weeks ago.

i had this discussion with john earlier on, about whether i should be feeling wary about this new-found group of friends with whom i could literally just spill everything to. from daily whines and muses to serious music discussions or about certain deep issues.. it's just.... amazing, for a lack of a better word to use. sometimes i feel like it is just too good to be true, like, there just has to be a catch somewhere. how on earth did this group of ppl just appeared out of thin air into my life?

i came to the conclusion that, no matter what happens at the end of the day, i should probably just treasure whatever times i have spent with them so far, and be glad that even at my final year in school, i have gotten the chance to meet this group of friends with whom i can seemingly click so well with.

i can't believe that half a semester would be gone soon. i just can't. but when i think about everything that i have experienced thus far, the amount of new ppl i met, i think that i have indeed spent the first quarter of my final year the way i had envisioned it to be. =)

practice

2011-09-11T15:01:00.002+08:00

finally familiarise myself with the song wahah.

im spending way too much time on this, but i guess even if they dun use the song in the end, it's a very good practice for myself, since i've always wanted more experience in doing all these stuff. =)

ignore the random hesitations and mumbling lyrics. lol.

im glad im not lead, actually. haha. i realised i do prefer to be in the background doing things than to stand in front and be the center of attention. and what more that i've got 2 bandmates who sings doubly well. =)

projects and lab grading, here i come.

窗外

2011-09-10T21:19:00.003+08:00

i swear i havent spent so much time on a song before... we chatted till 3am last night and decided on a song that's nice but crazy on the instrumentalists.

tell me how many keys in total this song has.

the answer is 5.

does any other songs out there have more / same amount of key changes??

haha... i've never been more proud of myself for figuring this song out by myself, i feel that after this song i could do anything... waha.

it's nowhere near perfect, and i can't reiterate more how thankful and lucky i am to have the rest of the group believing in what i can do... i hope i really wont let them and myself down.

alrights enough of music for today, time to do my projects (which is also music related lol).

launching on

2011-09-10T03:39:00.002+08:00

incredible day today... but im currently too drained out to feel any more emotions. shall sleep after this.

skipped science of music yet again. in preparation for fyp meeting which i somehow smoked through and in fact managed to get an idea through. =)

met vanessa from my jc class for lunch before that... its been soo long, i think a few years, since we last met, though we're in the same school compound haha. had a good time catching up with her and talking abt random things like our fear for graduation now that we don't know what we wanna do. haha.

following the fyp meeting, i went to biz library to find tracey mabel and hakliang joined us a while later. got them to write the cards while i settle alot of random admin work. since when did i accumulate so much rubbish to do?? i think i signed up for alot of it myself so i guess i shouldnt complain haha.

then it was time for the outing, went to fish and co, had trouble getting ppl to write the cards but everything was quite a success in the end including the not-so-surprise element that turned out to be pretty surprising =D haha yay! not bad. it was a good outing with such a high attendance. =)

proceeded to utown after that for a frisbee session haha... i didnt join cos i had to leave earlier which was ironic considering i was the one organising it haha.

anyways, i did leave, after several rounds of whatsapping with the bao tou gang... thats right we somehow came up with a new name for the 4 of us haha, dont ask me how the name was derived, it was sooo lame. =.= anw its the group of ppl i met in voices that im talking about. haha.

yea so it was kinda decided that i'd be in a band with them. there was apparently some politics going on that was pretty bad, but not that i could care any less haha.

the point is, it was today that i learnt just how much more talented everybody else in the cca were, compared to me. i was really really such a noob at keyboards, at catching the key, at improvising, at singing lead... it was crazy. and among the 4 of us in the group, the other 3 actually won their jc idol competitions.. yea just to let you gauge how crazy it actually is to me. what was i doing when i was in jc? sitting in a corner of a school playing my guitar. while they were already shining on stage then.

i've never been more determined about music before, but this special group of ppl made me realised just how much more i need to improve to be even on par with their standards. their faith in me touched my heart, really, and i see no reason why they would continue wanting to work with me, other than the fact that they actually believed in me. and that spurs me on to work even harder for them, for a potential musical career that all 4 of us are currently so excited about. once a leisure activity, now a serious business.

now, this is really something totally new to me.

and i am so happy to be given to chance to experience it before i graduate. i still never regretted stepping into the audition room that day a few weeks ago, even though i totally screwed up the singing and the keyboard... i really, really just feel so lucky now. =)

another life

2011-09-09T03:44:00.002+08:00

these few days i feel like i'm almost living the life of another person... unbelievably many things done, and many more things to go.

start of the week was pretty normal, the usual chamber singers, the usual lectures, and the usual skipping of sci of music. haha. ah wells. i always have more important things to do somehow.

went to the singapore flyer with john sheri jy kevin on tuesday... my 2nd time on the flyer, different experience altogether... we got the entire cabin to ourselves hehe. and there were so much additional rubbish stuff along the passageway to the flyer... some were pretty cool though, using AR technology.. used to be something i was really fascinated abt. =)

then it was followed by a late night movie at cineleisure, crazy stupid love... pretty good and light-hearted film for the middle of the semester haha. oh and we went into H&M too =DD haha. they sell pretty similar things to europe which i guess is a good thing? reliving all the europe moments.... sigh.

wednesday was the project module lecture followed by project meeting that turned out quite fruitful. they decided to employ my idea in the end, after going through a whole circle of discussion. haha. again, i don't know if it's a good or bad thing because this semester im simply sooo flooded with music stuff! only one module of mine has nothing to do with music now. but im very thankful for such a good group. the project is in good hands. =)

there was a career fair in school after that, i went to take a look but nothing interests me.... seriously, at this point in time when im supposed to have a clear idea of what im doing, i'm actually having lesser idea than in previous years. i think it has largely gotta do with the fact that i've only gotten back into contact with real musical stuff this year. and probably where a huge part of my interest lies. i don't know what i can do out of this, seriously.

today was a crazy day, started off with manning the booth for SoC for the exchange day... was a fun job, got to talk to the staff, the other students who volunteered, and to potential exchange students. haha. it was a 2-hour paid job that im glad i signed up for =)

rushed down to chamber singers, this time there was some sort of sectionals... decided i shldnt take up the "solo" positions afterall since i'm much more interested in other areas of music. choral singing is probably just a tool for me to maintain my voice or smth. haha. but i like the harmony and everything, still.

went to the media lab after that and it was a mad rush of work to finish grading my students' lab assignments which i have procrastinated for really long.... then it was comp vision lab which was easily done, and back to the grading which i spent almost 3 hours, but finally got it done by the evening... phew. grading students' labs isnt as easy as what it seems to be.

and i have still not done anything about my fyp. and i should, right now. before i flunk it and get kicked out or something haha.

anyway, i was sorta in a hangover state at the beginning of the week, from the great time i had in Voices during the camp... the amazing ppl i met, the unbelievable chemistry... and it continued on! the group of us started chatting on facebook and from then on it was non-stop.. haha. i can actually see this going somewhere and i'm getting as equally excited as them about it. could it have been just another initial novelty about new friends thing? i dont know, but all i know is that at year 4, to be able to meet such great new friends, i must be really, really lucky. and i must mention that i met them out of pure coincidence and luck.. it was a combination of many factors that caused this group of us to meet. let's just see where this would take us to.

and let's hope this is all not just a dream. =)

mutually exclusive

2011-09-05T20:49:00.002+08:00

tech-savvy, musical, sporty.

i've come to realised that at any one time, a normal person can only attain a maximum of two of them.

haha, just a random thought that's always flashed across my mind every now and then. =)

another start.

2011-09-04T19:01:00.002+08:00

year 4 has been treating me more than well.... the past 4 weeks of school has been nothing short of amazing. in terms of new friends, new experiences, and new opportunities. i can never be more thankful for everything that i've picked up so far.

anw, the last part of the week was spent chionging the kinect assignment that i personally think turned out quite well... it involved overnighting at starbucks as well as another all-nighter at home... resulting in a severe lack of sleep and lack of work done for my FYP =S had to shift my meeting to the next week.... hope everything would be ok! =S

i went to sch on friday for almost nothing in the end, since i skipped sci of music yet again, and my meeting was shifted.. there was only the Voices camp that i initially had so much inertia but turned out to be one of the most amazing experience i've had... totally didnt regret it!

knowing that everybody inside had some sort of professional experience while im still a beginner meddling around with everything.. i was kinda intimidated at first and felt like i didnt fit in.. and i was late for the orientation games so it was kinda awkward in the beginning haha.. but then everything became much better.

they broke the group up into small groups for performance practices, and because i had to leave earlier the next i couldnt make it for the performance. so i randomly joined a group and sang/listened along with them as they prepared their piece. that was when another random guy walked in and joined and listened in to us, and ended up singing along with us. it was amazing the amount of skills and chemistry everybody had even though we practically just met each other a few minutes ago. lol. then another guy of the guy's friend was pulled in to play the guitar, and then it was complete - a damn pro male lead and female lead, a damn pro guitar player and me as random harmony in the songs... haha. i was supposed to play the keyboard but since we didnt have access, it was only vocals. we jammed through the night, many songs, some songs that ive been wanting to sing for long but never got the chance to... and it was really amazing. 一拍即和，i finally understood what that means, haha.

the 4 of us went to RH for supper (and it happened to be my first RH supper since i came back), and then spent the night over at one of the guy's place at utown... didnt sleep at all and we just spent the whole night watching videos and chatting and talking about music... i dont know it was because i just havent met enough people in this circle, or these ppl really knew what it was all about... i've never been more intrigued by a group of new friends than them. haha. =)

anw, more chances would be coming up soon and im really gonna look forward to whats in store ahead.

ah but still, there's so many other things to be settled... like marking lab assignments lol. i asked for it, and i should find more motivation for it =/

i maintain that it'll be a great semester ahead. =)

issues

2011-08-30T13:37:00.002+08:00

some ppl's level of pettiness never fail to amaze me... well at least its not some big issue that bothers me and other people. even though its a trivial matter, it doesn't kill the fact that the gaping hole hasnt been mended and i dont know if it ever will. i ask myself the same question all over again, would things have been better if i had been with a different group of people. why did fate choose to let me go with them? there must have been a reason, just that i haven't found out yet. i try not to compare, and i should not. comparison only makes things worse, and is the one thing i hate.

in other news, new issues have sprouting out every now and then... between different people nonetheless, but as a whole big group, the dynamics have indeed changed for good. ppl always say, 人生如戏、戏如人生。 life is like a movie, and a movie reflects life as well. i didn't used to believe until when i've grown up and experience all the drama in life that none of thought we would be involved in.

that's just life the way it is. and we're all just characters playing along, whether we like it or not. =)

说放不下，我最厉害吧。

marry you

2011-08-28T23:39:00.002+08:00

in light of hearing about all the wedding preparations excitement from my 2 sisters... i've been listening to this song on repeat for a past few days.

Marry You - Glee from JJavito on Vimeo.

i think it's easily one of my favourite scenes frm Glee as well. =)

i realised that from young, im always the one so far away from my 2 sisters... first it was about teenage life. by the time i was born and able to communicate, both of them were well in their teenage years, so i lacked playmates. then finally when i was grown up, it was about working life. and now when i'm finally going to step out to start work soon, it's about marriage.

well i guess that's how it is being the youngest. but i'm not complaining because i really do find that i've so much more foresight than many others do, just so because i've been able to sorta predict my "future" from my sisters' lives. and go for things i shld go for, and avoid things i should avoid. in this sense, i think i really should be glad.

i guess i should just learn how to appreciate every stage of life better, before looking forward to another stage that is not within my reach, yet.

still, it doesn't hurt to hold that little dream within yourself. it gives you the strength to go on in life. =)

i need to start doing some solid work for the semester before everything tumbles down..... gah.

random stuff

2011-08-27T11:39:00.002+08:00

i spent the whole of friday slacking at home doing nothing, although i had a class to attend in the morning... on 2nd thoughts maybe i should have went, but then the thought of not having another free day again was more compelling haha. so i just decided to stay at home and skip science of music. i hope i can catch up =/ perhaps SEP syndromes haven't died down.

and yea, that night i dreamt i was back in europe, planning trips with the same old people... checking the familiar websites for air tickets and hostels etc....

i know those are the times that cannot be relived, things will never feel the same again. i highly doubt there'll be another time when the 4 of us would travel together again due to lots of practical reasons. but i can't brush off the fact that we did spend so much time together in europe, and my europe experience can't be disconnected from this group of ppl no matter what i wanna think. it's really complicated, i guess, and i haven't found a good way to explain it to others.

i came to the realisation that going overseas for long periods of time actually invokes another kind of personality from people... for the better or for the worse, im not really sure, and im not sure which is the true personality at the end of the day. maybe both?

email from a random IT company who called to "offer" me internship/job position finally arrived, haha, i would have been thrilled if it was a few years ago, but now as i approach graduation and decision for my real job, i guess i would have to think twice. i doubt this is the job i really want, despite how credible it may be. sigh.

lots of things to do actually, and i hope i have the ability and time (less procrastination) to do so.

two.

2011-08-26T00:18:00.002+08:00

my da jie was discussing her marriage date yesterday night. somehow it became a family conversation. my mother, my er jie, my da jie. they talk about their lives as two people. as a whole. as part of their lives. it transcends everything, personality, background, good/bad experiences, quirks, etc...

maybe, perhaps, its fate's way of telling me it's not time yet. perhaps im really not ready as of yet. maybe i need to see my sisters through their first few years of marriage before i can even think about letting anybody else in. maybe it really is just fate telling me to wait. and really, i am just doing just that.

afterall, things everywhere else other than this area have been going on well for me.

had a long day today.

went for an early morning meeting at 1DA. i was representing my mother's company to present some stuff for a project... and that's right, i guess sometimes i just had to come in when the situation calls for it. and it was for a rather personal reason as well. what happened was, knowing that my internship mentor last year had a direct link to this programme, i was half-expecting to see him. and indeed, i did. it was a rather strange feeling, one year ago i was sitting at his side, listening to clients presenting and plucking things out of thin air to speak about. and now i'm the one standing there presenting to them, trying my best to show that i know what they want, and yet not having an idea of what they do want. conflict of interest, anyone? somehow i knew i shouldn't be part of the project due to this reason, but i just couldnt resist the prospect of seeing my internship mentor in action again... haha. =/ anw, the meeting went well and hmmmm i don't know what will happen next and i guess it really isn't up to me to control the situation anw. maybe, there are just some things i shouldn't know too much about.

chamber singers again today, had a pretty good practice. stayed back to talk to the conductor about my email & project.... and it seems like he wasn't the right person to find though, hmm.

anw, met up with liling and john for lunch, and then i rushed over for a graduate education talk. in media design. petty interesting but the fact that its 50% jap alr cut my interest by half as well. haha. insufficient aptitude. its still pretty interesting to see whats out there in the world, actually. and cant help smiling to myself just how close i am to these things now. dreams and resolutions i made 5 years or so ago. one by one, they come true in unexpected ways in different forms. i know, and i count my blessings.

after the talk, i decided to go to starbucks to join liling and john again for a pseudo-study session that was really just random talk, stress relief and facebooking and emailing. haha. was nice though, i just love sitting down in cafes more and more. a sign of age.

i have 2 programming languages to learn over the next 2 weeks. one of them by next week, in fact. hello to real work once more, once i get myself to even look at the codes.

im incredibly tired now, haven't been like this in quite long. i guess its a good thing. but sleep is the last thing on my mind now, ironically, though my brain cant function usefully anymore.

i feel incredibly free-spirited recently. only working and reporting under people and not having any underlings to take care of. maybe except my tutee. and i loving this life. at least for now.

waiting, waiting, we're all just waiting.

a streak of luck.

2011-08-24T19:42:00.003+08:00

been a pretty intense 2 days, but things have never gone more smoothly. i am really hyped up about the semester or two ahead! hope things just continue rolling on as it should. =)

backtrack to yesterday, chamber singers again. i missed the sci of music lecture in the morning, well, due to laziness. but i guess i really dont need to be in the lecture, at least for now. chamber singers went ok, new songs again, and new friends again. i finally got down to sending the email to the conductor about his project, for my FYP. hope the response is ok. still waiting.

then i proceeded to the music library to start & finish the assignment due the next day for the project module. hah. 4hours of work. and i totally didnt expect the outcome to be that good. =) i was surprised at my sudden stroke of ideas / creativity / etc as well.

anw, i made the posting of the assignment on time, and then decided to go for audition for voices. just trying out for fun as a final year, and i dun think it went particularly well so lets just see how everything goes haha.

today was the presentation for the project module, first 30 seconds pitch that i only prepared on the way to sch.... surprisingly it went well and my idea got pushed through to the top half. so that gave me 3 mins to talk more.... without even much preparations except for the ideas thought about the previous day -.- and magically it became the 3rd best. hahah. seriously, i guess im just having a lucky streak now.

cos i just received a letter that gave me an extra $800. =)

i dont know how long its gonna last, but i think this is just telling me that i should just work even harder to get to what i want.

and leave some other things as it is. afterall, it really takes more than pure effort on one's side.

....

2011-08-22T22:54:00.003+08:00

and there she goes again, on and on about how the entire family isn't doing what she hopes us to be doing, isn't going in the pathway she wants to go.

as i'm on the crossroads now, the way leading to where i think i want to go.

i stop and think again, i am supposed to be going where i wanna go myself? or where she wants me to go? have i been born and raised for that purpose? why is it that i'm questioning myself over and over again on my decisions whenever she opens her mouth and repeats the same stuff?

what seems to be right in other people's eyes may not necessarily hold true for myself, and the converse is true as well.

who can tell me where i'm supposed to go? what i'm supposed to do?

supposed... supposed...

am i wrong to be doing what i think i like to do? what does it mean to decide for myself?

i used to have my sisters with me to share the same pressure imposed. but now that both of them now belong somewhere else, i can't help feeling it all by myself... and lonelier than usual.

i wished someone would be here to tell me exactly what i should be doing.

bump

2011-08-22T18:19:00.003+08:00

today is bump-into-people day... hahaha seriously i've been bumping into random people non-stop throughout the whole day.. well actually since it's been a pretty long day, the probability is higher than usual anyways.

had an early morning lab session for the proj module... sleeeepy. and i need to come up with an idea by tomorrow evening. gah. need. inspiration.

bumping into people / making new friends in my classes actually makes me feel much more at home now. its kinda reassuring in a sense.. final year has been pretty good to me so far =)

rushed to science for sci of music tutorial which was seriously very easy... great module, haha.

met some indy ppl for lunch at arts, an unexpected number of ppl actually turned up hahah.

comp vision lecture was filled with math math and more math. i need to revise my math soo much. but i fall asleep upon looking at those equations...

full-blown workload coming soon... time to actually get the momentum running along after 8 months. i really need it.

happiness

2011-08-21T22:17:00.002+08:00

my sister has put her wedding album & photograph at home.

just can't help smiling and feeling the happiness from within, flipping through each an every page of the album.

i don't know if its because none of my close friends have had their siblings married yet... it really IS a big deal for me. in many ways.

anw, these few days have been fully packed with activities to keep me busy enough and contented enough for the moment. =)

friday was a rush of many many events... went to sch kinda late, but thankfully had my father to fetch. attended about half of sci of music lecture.. though i spent most of the time trying to salvage stuff for my FYP so as not to appear like i havent done anything (truth is, i hadnt. haha).

went to meet sheri at the bus stop after that, and we walked to fusionopolis for the surprise by the rest of the indy ppl =) haha.. familiar route, familiar building... i think its really been a year since i stepped into the building. not much change, though the shops seem to be significantly lesser..

had lunch a pretty short at the jap restaurant before sheri left for her meeting and we went back to sch.. i prepared for the my fyp meeting which turned out to be 1 hour long.. but quite fruitful i would say. at least the direction is slightly clearer now. more work to be doneeee.

after meeting, stayed around in com1 for awhile before meeting shihua and xiaoshi to go to changi airport to send jiayin off for her 2 year study in china... met shuzhen there as well. ahhh everybody is going separate ways again. graduation is near for most of us... hmm.

saturday was a day tour of singapore, hahaha. because john hasnt been able to tour singapore until now. it was an interesting and fun day, as we went from chinatown to bugis to city... had a great time walking in places that ive never even walked before.. seeing things i've never stopped to see. i think SEP made me open my eyes more to touristy stuff and appreciate things about singapore and cities that i've never did before. =) great day! though i concuss when i got back home haha.

im supposed to be preparing for the week ahead with quite alot of stuff to be done, but instead spent the pass few hours surfing youtube for random videos of music from everywhere... particularly looking at local musicians and bands. alot of them are really really goood! ok maybe it can be argued that since music is kinda part of what im doing now for sch, its related... but ok no it isnt.

i think music is still the only thing that can take me away from whatever i dont wanna be doing/thinking of.

无奈加上无奈，还是无奈。该怎么逃出这圈套？我能吗？

...

2011-08-18T23:29:00.002+08:00

once again, life confuses me.

some things are just too much of a coincidence. but other than that, i see no other way in explaining why certain things happen.

evil spirit

2011-08-18T01:12:00.003+08:00

the frequency of my posts corresponds to my level of procrastination for various things.. but oh well, i just had to write.

fibre network finally arrived at my house this morning. not much difference to me, honestly.

went to sch for the last first lesson for the semester... haha. it was a very interactive lesson, totally no chance to fall asleep. looks like its gonna be an interesting semester indeed. the only problem i had was that i knew next to none of my coursemates =( while most of them already had their own groups. sigh. but i guess i managed to squeeze my way into one group awhile sorta abandoning a previous group i had worked with. i feel a little evil in doing so, especially since i dont even know many of them, but i think i gotta think for myself this time and... save my grade. and life. and everything.

i guess im pretty glad i chose to stay in hall and make friends in hall, although i always said i regretted not mixing own with my own faculty mates. but looking at them today.... maybe, maybe, im just not the type who would blend in anyway. =/

one of my granduncles passed away today. not that i knew much of him in the first place. =/ but anyway, since i havent been attending much funerals in the recent few years, i decided to join my parents and sister this time... it was kinda interesting in a way cos when you're all grown up, u tend to understand adult conversations much better and u don't get bored sitting at the table with nothing to do. tried to decipher 50% of the hokkien, talked to my mum and sister, and kinda got bored but it was nice listening in to the elders talk about everything.. and life in general. a pretty good lesson on life, i would say.

choir tomorrow. =)

for the sake of myself, heres a list of to-dos... ahh i havent been doing this in a long time:

- FYP readings & reviews (immediately)
- 4243 catching-up
- idea generation for proj module
- do a test-app for android for various random purposes

im pretty glad most of my modules don't require much work to date. i really should be working harder on my FYP =S

friendly.

2011-08-16T23:40:00.002+08:00

on the topic of my new blog skin (read my tagboard haha), ive finally decided to make my blog more IE-friendly... for the poor souls out there still using IE lol. i was surprised myself when i opened my blog using IE. so there, cleaned up some code and now its much easier to read. =)

musical day today with sci of music and chamber singers.

sci of music was kinda redundant as usual, no new stuff learnt today.

chamber singers was much better today. influx of new ppl, finally got to sit with my own section, made some new friends, and looking foward to the next sessions. the songs are nice and are stuck in my head. =) its been looong since i last sang in a proper choir with proper aptitude and attitude and techniques etc... i feel inadequate in comparison but glad that im still able to catch up with the (mega-fast) pace of the conductor, and subsequently the fellow module mates. i am glad i've decided to take this. i love the harmonies and everything. there's just this special bond between choir ppl that only we get, haha. =)

went to ntu with pt after sch to visit jy's fyp poster session... luckily i bumped into ronnie at the mrt, who brought us to where we were supposed to go... haha. suddenly, final year seems so near... oh wait, i already am in.

this start of final year feels unbelievably slack to me. i don't know if its because my timetable is really that much looser (not really, actually), or that im no longer staying in hall with random things to do everyday, or that im just not working hard enough as i should.

in any case, i think i should be doing more than what i am now. if i really want to get what i want.

but then again, i kinda realised that this is the final year i can actually be doing something else. maybe, maybe, i'll join ccas afterall. =)

another first lesson tmr, the last surprise in store for me so far. we'll see.

gush

2011-08-16T02:22:00.002+08:00

2.30am, awake, and half-trying to study.. haha.

a sudden gush of will to study hard this semester. i think im beginning to get the hang of staying at home and losing all the random distractions that would have been in hall.

first CS lecture today, fell asleep in some parts.... its a really hardcore module, harder than i have expected it to be. lots of work to be done on that.

and i gotta catch up with my fyp work as well. cant go on slacking like this.

more singing tmr.. i better sleep soon, i guess.

along with hints of emotions evokes from random songs im playing. maybe that's why im trying to work even harder.

2nd week of sch (still feels like the first week, though), here i come.

back to school...

2011-08-15T00:54:00.002+08:00

the first 2 days of school have been pretty great, although it didnt felt like school has started cos my CS modules have yet to start.. tmr will be the first.

first thing first was the chamber singers module that i was so unsure of... entered the room, found a few familiar faces like past choirmate and junior.. the session began suddenly with warmup and then distribution of songs and immediately launched into practice O_o everybody was at a loss basically, but thankfully the confirmation email came a few days later. seems like an exciting semester ahead... finally getting in touch with music proper again.

and it all comes at one go. haha. science of music lecture was... well, expected. taking the module alone can be a little boring but at least i know the content will do me well. hope all goes well.

met up with john, crystal, ryan for lunch at yih after my chamber singers on thursday... then went to find liling at her home, poor her still suffering from jet lag.. had a great time chatting and catching up after 8 months =D its so relieving to know that u're not the only one feeling a certain (negative) way about some ppl... after having no one to complain to for a whole 8 months.. haha. i think they're probably the only ones who understand where i come from. haha. =P so thankful for them!! i will visit you guys again very very soon! miss u all alot for all the nonsense and randomness and everything.. if i ever come back to hall again it'll be for u guys =)

fyp meeting on friday.. went ok, finally met up with both profs at the same time. turns out that my fyp is more arts-focused than computing-focused. is that what i wanted? i don't know. but at least for now i know that i'm never gonna be a hardcore programmer so i guess this is a good start. i hope it'll be a great learning and experimenting experience for myself!!

and so there u go, 3 modules related to music all at one go.

after fyp meeting, met up with hakliang to go to utown for some exploration and ended up sitting and chilling at starbucks while waiting for time to pass... utown is really a nice place to hangout!

met the rest at the central library bus stop at 6.30pm finally, and we went to the claypot rice stall in clementi.. the one which i have always been recommending to hall ppl but it never materialised. haha. glad it did this time... after dinner we ran out of places to hang out though, so we went back to utown and sat and chilled at the grass patch and astrid's place =D i wished i had the chance to stay at utown from the start.. the experience would have been so much different.. but ok, maybe the quality of life might have been better. but i've come to realise its really more than just that. haha. although sweden made me up my standards of school accomodation too. hehe.

had an uneventful saturday sleeping my way through, and then today it was food-tasting for my er jie's wedding.. super super delicious meal! cant imagine how the wedding will be like in 2 months time... man thats really fast.

a long way to go.

the day before.

2011-08-11T02:02:00.004+08:00

day before the first day of my last ever academic year... somehow i just can't sleep.

i havent fulfilled so many things i wanted to do before school starts. haven't finished my fyp preparations. haven't wrote my entry on the june trip. haven't finished uploading sep photos. haven't cleared my room. haven't packed for school. suddenly i feel so unprepared... and a high inertia to move on. whatever happened to looking forward to school start? well, to be fair i still am looking forward to some of my lessons this semester. tmr will be the day when i know if i can successfully secure 2MCs worth of singing. but i have to go down to school to know =.= oh wells. so if not, technically sch hasnt started for me yet.

staying at home must be a brand new experience for me, which explains my start-of-sch-anxiety or whatever it is.

anw, past few days have been pretty good. =)

batam with a random gang of ppl on sunday and monday.. haha.. everything turned out fine and it was a pretty enjoyable trip la... lazing around under the sun (and getting even more tanned), eating and eating.. and first time going into the pool in many years for me. haha. although i still cant swim. it was a fully packed 2D1N, ending off with dinner at popeye's at bedok point.. i seem to keep travelling to the east recently. =/

the whole trip really felt like a refresher for me and it kept reminding me of SEP. the travelling, the planning... everything. the feelings were abit different travelling with different ppl though, this one felt much more relaxed and at ease with myself. i wonder why. nevertheless, i was glad i managed to go overseas again just one month after i came back to singapore.

national day, aug 9th, was rag day as well. went out with my family in the early afternoon to visit some shops to make clothes for my grandmother for my er jie's wedding. preparations are all in line now! its gonna be a pretty... different and exciting semester for me ahead.

asked my father to drop me off at the promontary, which is the place for rag day... had a hard time finding my way in and into the RH crowd, but eventually did... found most of the floaters and the seniors... sat through the 2nd half of the performances.. haha.. all the floats and dances were great as usual! and RH happened to be behind SoC this time. i kept asking myself if i ever regretted not participating in rag and participating in my faculty stuff, but i guess my answer to myself is, at least i got to try out so many other things in hall that other ppl don't even have the chance to. i think its more than enough. at least its not like i have zero friends in the faculty... lets just see what can happen this year now that im no longer with the hall. =)

after RH/KE's last performance, many ppl starting leaving... i left tgt with the floaters but wanted to stay for the NDP.. and luckily bumped into shihua and her friends! joined them for dinner and went back to the place and managed to squeeze back in to watch the last part of the show and the fireworks! =) really nice... hope i get to go to ndp again in the near future. =)

guess its time for me to go to bed and prepare for the first day of school ahead. whether or not its officially the first day for me. wish me luck?

picking up the last bits.

2011-08-07T02:24:00.002+08:00

a quick update before i leave for batam in the morning.... i do hope i can wake up =S sleeping hours have been very very, bad for the past weeks.

wednesday was an impromptu meetup with yizhi and mabel at the airport... cos yizhi was in transit for around 4 hours in singapore =) we took her to tampines by mrt (bad choice), and was then joined by sq and woke.. hehe.. not bad. had a "singaporean" dinner at a food court, chatted a little and then soon enough it was time for her to go again... thank goodness for sq and his car, haha. always great to have friends who drive... =P

the trip to the airport brought back so many memories... how we left in january. the unfamiliarity with the environment and with each other. and how we came back at the end of june. all tired out but luggages and minds filled with irreplaceable memories.. even the backpacking ang mohs on the mrt on the way to changi airport made me actually miss travelling quite a bit...

tuition continues on thursday and on saturday.. nth much at all, just yet another job to me now. but it helps to know that the sec 2 boy is finally growing more mature and handling his sch work a little more seriously. haha. makes things so much easier. =)

friday was audition for chamber singers... a module that kinda wanted to take ever since it started offering. finally it can fit into my schedule comfortably. first time stepping into the interiors of YST, and i must say its really quite cool... everything is still rather new and the atmosphere just feels so... artsy. haha.

the audition, hmmm. i wouldnt say it went too well but i guess i tried my best from my un-warmed-up voice and lack of practice etc... we'll see if i really do get it at the end of the day haha. oh wells. i guess it's just like a bonus for me.. gonna be such a musical semester.

met up with jiayin and pt for lunch at sci canteen... saw so many familiar faces in the canteen haha. ahh, finally, i feel like im actually back in sch.

hmm, after cooping myself up at home and accomplishing almost next to nothing for the past weeks, i guess some realisations finally hit me...

thing happen, people appear, all for a reason. and that reason, sometimes, just aint what it seems to be to you initially. but that doesn't mean they happened for no reason.

i have to learn to take things in my stride and not take certain things too harshly upon myself. memories are made up of real events that happened, but those were just memories of the past afterall. maybe, sometimes we need not know the reason why certain things happened. they just do. letting myself go at the present, that's what's more important. embracing what's ahead rather than what's behind.

i hope the batam trip serves as yet another getaway for me, to clear up my mind, free up my thoughts, and finally get me ready for the start of my final journey in this eventful university life.

stage.

2011-08-03T02:59:00.002+08:00

been randomly looking through past performance videos... as well as recent performance videos by the band & unplugged from RH. really proud of their standards now. =)

and it reminded me of just how much i miss performing. i do miss being able to perform at least once every semester.. as it seems, only music seems to be able to get my mind off stuff that i should not be thinking about. and watching performance video helps too, but they just make me miss performing much more.

am very glad i am taking the modules i am going to take.

pray hard that i get through the audition on friday. my way to another 2MC of performances =))

and perhaps, a varsity CCA? it never occurred to me until i was looking through ivle activities and realised that is is very well the last chance i'm ever going to be involved in any varsity activities.... why not? we'll see. =)

habit

2011-08-02T14:42:00.002+08:00

was an eventful monday =)

went back to sch for the exchange talk & gathering... in the hope of being able to get some foreign buddies, but as it seems it wasnt organised this way. haha. but still managed to meet some ppl who went to sweden too.. sq was there too with his swedish buddy that he met through another programme - wished i had signed up too - but anw, had a bit of fun interacting with that group of people... don't think i'll ever be attending similar events again, though i wonder where else i could ever continue my exchange experience... sigh.

proceeded back to RH after that.. it was convo dinner, and although i knew, i never intended to eat there.. lol. but ended up eating at the comm hall in the end, watching the performances... this year's band & unplugged are really good! glad they managed to find a freshie who's really good at harmonising. i think she's prolly gonna be the permanent harmoniser or smth, as i was telling some ppl lol. but overall i had a good time enjoying the performances =) although i was sorta a gatecrasher. literally felt old, looking at how young the juniors are..... i guess our time in hall is really over, haha.

anw, main point of returning back to hall was to play board games with the old ppl.. and i think it literally means it. year 4s + 1-year seniors + 2-year seniors.. was abit apprehensive at first about joining them since im not exactly that close to them afterall... but decided to join cos i was in sch anw for the exchange gathering. it was an unexpectedly fun session playing saboteur + saboteur 2! new expansion pack brought in by junyi. haha. lots of fun creating absurd tunnel combis and yet the miners almost always win..

enjoyed listening in to the random conversations too.. year 4s talking about fyp, seniors talking about work... kinda giving me an insight into my future industry as most of them come from computing/engineering. haha. although i highly doubt i'll ever be at their standard when i graduate. well at least i get to look further. haha.

despite the random activities i've been arranging every now and then, something in my still feels rather empty. i can't explain exactly what it is and whats causing it, but i guess i do have an inkling about it. perhaps thats why i've been arranging to meet up with old friends more frequently than ever, hoping to fill up this emptiness, but till now, i feel it is still here.

i seem to have a bad habit of following in the trail of certain people... and more often than not it just leads to my downfall over and over again. i dont know when i'll ever learn, but it's affecting a large part of my life and i guess i really need to know how to take more control of my own life and be more independent on my decisions. i dont live for anyone.

=/

纵容

2011-07-31T05:10:00.002+08:00

the past week hasnt been exactly eventful but well at least i had things to do. the big thing currently called fyp that i was so eager to get started on but following the flurry of events happening after i've came back to singapore, i've kinda lost the motivation to... even though the topic is still of my great interest. sigh. somee things just won't change.

went for lunch with my parents at clementi on tuesday cos my father had some problems with his ear.. went to see our family doc and thankfully it wasnt anything much. i guess after i went overseas especially, i've grown to care more about my parents too. their health, everything, it's visibly deteriorating and although they are good at taking care of themselves.... it's just these phases of life that will keep passing by u without u noticing... i really hope i can do something significant for them before it is too late, but i always just can't find the time energy and motivation to do so. it's just ironic sometimes.

anw, i went to the biz sch after that to enquire about the minor and sorta made up my mind to just go through with it... provided luck is on my side. we'll see how it goes.

paid a visit to the sch dental clinic but it grew more popular from 1 year ago, now its fully booked. so i took a long bus journey home.... indulging in my new pet known as the iPhone. call me a laggard but i've only started to appreciate the workings of the iPhone now, 6 months after i've gotten it and after all the early adoptors have gotten sick of it or adopted it as part of their lives.

maybe, perhaps, i'm just not an IT person afterall.

on wednesday, woke up early in the morning for a dental appointment at jp... bombed quite a sum of money doing the routine stuff, then went back home and rested before going back out again for another gathering with the SEP ppl~ =) 2nd outing since we've came back and this time its only 5 of us, me sq and the 3 biz girls. it was fun nevertheless, went to the chinatown ktv that i havent been to in ages, though nothing's changed. it's always a brand new experience to go ktv with new groups of ppl and yes this wasnt an exception.. all the way from 7pm-12am, alternating between chinese and english songs to cater to each other's preferences... true, sometimes going to ktv with like-minded friends may be more comfortable and liberating but going with a new group always widens my scope of songs, haha, although i've always prided myself to have a pretty wide scope of song knowledge (only in the english and chinese fields). yea, we had fun all the way till 11.30pm when we had to force ourselves out to catch the last train.. and thankfully i did =)

thursday was an excursion to the railway with karen, the remaining 3km left at bukit timah... good to be out walking again after 1 month of remaining stagnant. actually travelling keeps me active, i've realised. haha. anw, it was a good walk although nothing special, i guess i've gotten too used to railway tracks and trains in europe. haha. went to kap for coffee at spinelli to use the voucher we bought... i think i've grown to love cafes more and more recently. i think it's a sign of getting old. and dinner was at a korean restaurant nearby which was not bad at all. =)

friday was another tuition session, getting abit tired actually but now it's purely for the sake of money. and in any case i've gotten so used to it that i can blurt out strings of sentences that seemingly makes sense without even processing it through my mind.

and today was a meetup with the bestfriends again. haha havent used this word in pretty long but it doesnt matter =) queensway with shihua to hunt for smth i wanted to buy but decided not to, in the end.. random shopping around, katong laksa-ing and a visit to IKEA (singapore) after 6 months =) all of a sudden i wished the wordings were in swedish and not english. and anw the main point of it was for me to find out what swedish snacks they sold there. and to my surprise, lots of it were on sale. now i know i can satisfy my ballerina cravings easily and need not ration the only tube i brought back all the way from sweden =D

the originally intended pri sch gathering was postponed yet again so i met up with karen after that at the city for NDP preview.... watching whatever we could from the esplanade, beside the floating platform... not bad at all, managed to catch most of the shows that were conducted outside of the platform. caught the fireworks from merlion park as well. =)

da jie coming back from US tmr. strangely enough i miss the sunday lunches i've always had with her. its slowly became a sounding board for me during my late JC/working/uni times. a good time for me to let out whatever i wanted to say and accumulated over the week. now, i don't think i'll have much chances to do that again. life just continues moving on.

今天彻底的纵容了自己做一件真的不该做的事。对自己根本一点好处都没有。

我是怎么了？累了、怕了？

突然很想知道自己的能力有多少。

脑子里疯狂的点子还在徘徊，但我知道还不行。

我，害怕。

近几年学会了敞开自己的心，但到最后真正了解我的人，还只是那几个罢了。

sometimes i wonder why i choose the path i take. i have never regretted a single major decision i've made in my life so far, and i don't want to have any. which is perhaps why i'm getting more and more scared as age starts catching up.

it's just sometimes i question why i was made in such a way that i had to choose these paths.

like why on earth am i in computing. why do i force myself and convince myself to become more like a tech geek and follow tech news and update and whatnots. i can do well in it, no doubt, but is that the only reason why i chose to be here?

why wasn't i made to choose the more normal paths that normal girls would take, like business, arts, science, or even engineering.

because looking back, i think i really am still that small girl hiding in the corner, at the end of the day.

i dont want to judge myself but sometimes i just cant help it.

i hope this coming semester will answer me well.

回来

2011-07-26T01:55:00.002+08:00

家里最近似乎发生了许多事。

整个家，正在改变，我也不能不接受事实。

真奇怪，以前讨厌家里人多位子少，现在大姐和二姐各忙各的，双双在筹备婚礼、筹备将来。。我突然怀念起以前的日子。

一个人在房间里，多了隐私，少的却是陪伴。一个精神上的陪伴。

两个姐姐的人生旅途似乎照映着我的未来。。我不由自主地期待和盼望自己有一天能像她们一样。。小时候是这样，现在还是这样。我害怕、我期待。

外国留学半年，成了我逃避这一切的借口。原本想放下的东西果然真的放下了。迎面而来的却是另一波的迷惑。。这并不是我意料之内的。

这半年内，我只能说，我终于明白自己多一点：我真的没有自己想象中的坚强。

人在国外，脆弱的一面很容易被看见。而自以为屹立不倒的心，也跟着容易动摇。

我一直在问自己，这半年，对我的意义到底是什么？

答案似乎有很多。

这生中我跌跌撞撞了好多次，每次站起来后认为自己学到了些什么。。。最后却陷入另一个陷阱。

我想我还在自我隐瞒，不愿意去承认自己又不小心跌倒了。

理论上我总是认为自己明白了，了解了。可实际上，也许我什么都没学会。

该是时候收拾这心理包袱，回来了。这，竟然比我想象中还难。

我应该期待开学吗？

refreshed.

2011-07-24T00:55:00.002+08:00

yea, as promised, finally a new blogskin... well i still gotta admit i'll never be good in design.. which is pretty ironic when i look at my course of study, haha, but oh wells. at least my FYP is in the field of music rather than design, although both lies in the field of arts. i'm confused myself. lol.

anw the point of changing a blogskin was feature a new photo every now and then... reminding myself of the wonderful journey i've been to over the past 6 months.. that it wasn't all just a dream...

minnena = the memories, in swedish.

sense of nostalgia back again after a series of events, looking through old entries (i've grown to appreciate how i've faithfully kept blogging over the past 8 years - since 2003, including my old blog). going out with old friends. a prospective pri sch gathering - which never fails to make me excited and scared at the same time. looking at work i've done over the past few years - trying to prepare for school. listening to old songs.

it's been a long way.

watched harry potter twice in a row in 2 days, haha. met up with jingying on thursday and she had a pair of free movie tickets.. haha.. nice catching up with her after half a year, and i guess im just really grateful to still be in close contact with a good friend whom i've known for more than 10 years now. we might not be as close as before but i guess there still is a bond there after so many years. =)

and then meetup with shihua wilson and pt again on friday, haha... we got a pretty bad seat in cathay due to last minute purchase.. but watching the show twice + reading parts of the book again in the middle made me re-understand harry potter again after a few years.. haha. and that marks another end.

its fast approaching 1 month since i've touched back down in singapore... and ive pretty much settled back i guess. slightly more than 2 weeks and its back to sch, for the one last year.

tuition tomorrow, i guess it helps me pull back to reality, as well.

alive

2011-07-21T03:11:00.003+08:00

starting to get back a life, haha... well at least these few days have been more occupied than the previous week..

went out with jy anna and kevin ytd night for dinner.. was supposed to explore the food festival but as expected, nothing impressive at all. lol. anw we settled for some steak dinner at central before going to coffee club for desserts... haha. i kinda enjoy this kind of restaurant/cafe-hopping outings more and more... maybe it's a sign we're all getting old. haha.

back to sch today for FYP meeting which the prof nearly forgot =S but luckily i managed to get him in the end. was a pretty short and.. unconclusive meeting... =/ but at least i know what im supposed to do now - to decide what to do -.- haha... i guess thats good in a way as i really would get to do what i wanna do... bad thing would be that, sometimes i just dont know what i can do! more research to be done within these few days, i guess... its a field that i never thought i'd enter when i entered university, but its amazing how things just come around - now i'm actually part of a project under the institute (IDM) that sorta i've been aiming for since i came into uni.. didn't realise that until today when the prof mentioned about the lab.. haha. just amazing how life goes in one full circle for me. sometimes good, sometimes bad, but lets just hope things continue this way... i can't have asked for a better life than now, i guess. =)

anw, pretty excited about the project so far, but gotta read up and settle what i really wanna do soon... lots of catching up and self learning, more than what i'd have expected, i guess. but being able to combine my 2 greatest interests - computing and music, i think that's something i'm very very grateful to be able to be doing.

after the meeting, i went back to jp and sat at starbucks waiting for tuition.. while trying to do some readings. haha. i seem to like cafes more and more..

then was the first tuition in more than 6 months... same kid, same price.. sigh. haha. but oh well, ive been teaching for so long that its becoming near-effortless... and what more, there's money. not bad for a 1-2 hour sit-down-and-talk job. and i guess giving tuition sometimes actually motivates me to get things done as well... it forces my brain to get up and running and subsequently i'd just wanna get things done. =)

more outings over the next 3 days i think, coupled with fyp readings and preparations...

that's the way to go.

i still believe in the sunshine after the rain. and that things happen for a reason.

been reading the last lecture for the 2nd time, partially to relieve boredom and partially to gain some inspiration for fyp.. so far, not bad. =)

will give this blog a makeover. soon.

stone.

2011-07-18T23:36:00.003+08:00

this blog needs a makeover... haha. just occurred to me a few days ago when sorting through the travel photos... yes im not done yet, only halfway through, and taking my own sweet time. half of me actually dont feel like finishing it, not knowing when's the next time i'll ever get to have all these experiences again.. haha.

anw, i guess i do have quite a few photos worthy of making it to be a new blogskin, and i think its time for my to justify my course of study... by making a better interface for this blog. haha. im just kinda lazy to start but i guess i should, soon. =)

having literally stayed at home for the past 1 week... i don't know when's the next time i'll ever get to do this again, so i guess im not exactly complaining about my lack of activities. it can be a blessing, although it does make me think a little bit too much sometimes... what with all the changes going on in the family.

sometimes i think i do think a step further in life than most other people my age.. and it's probably because of my 2 sisters, as i see them progress on in life, their ups and downs, mistakes, triumphs, etc... they kind of gave me the foresights into problems i might encounter later on in life and made me more wary of avoiding them. sometimes i don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

been exceptionally hardworking too, reading lecture notes and papers to prepare for my FYP meeting in 2 days. haha. no doubt it's a topic of my interest and im quite looking forward to see what i can do... just hope the interest really lasts, haha.

after 1 week of lazing around, things are starting to pile in, like tuition, in which the parent actually smsed me without me telling them that i'm back. haha. guess that kid really needs help.. sigh. we'll see. i need the money, but i guess i need some more time too.

in a way, i'm glad i have nothing much on now; it allows me to settle back into home after being away for 6 months, and soak in what's left of our family before changes happen one after another, very soon. =)

and certain things are still troubling me, and i guess the only way for me to stop it all is to wait till sch starts and work starts kicking in... although i suspect this time it aint so easy. =/

after all these years, i guess i still haven't learnt what matters, and what doesn't.

having 2 sisters marrying off one after another within 1 year isn't helping much, really. i think i really need to talk to somebody.

moving along.

2011-07-16T21:53:00.003+08:00

well today probably marks yet another milestone in my (and my family's) life, finally got to meet da jie's bf... and marriage plans seem to be on the way, meaning before i graduate, i might very well be the only child left in the family. its amazing how fast things are changing. this time everything seems pretty fine.... and i hope it all works well and we all have our happy endings. =)

as of now im not really sure if im looking forward to the first wedding dinner happening in october. it's a happy occasion, definitely, but i just don't know if i can handle all the emotions that will be coming my way when it happens. maybe... i'm just not too ready for all these changes. and i'm pretty sure a particular question will be coming my way soon, if not in a few years time. what can i say? and what can i do? it's hard not for me to think of it when such things are happening in your family.

and so as i speak now, i still don't know who it will be at the end of the day and i don't know when i will ever know it. i can probably only hope that, with my two sisters' happy endings, they can then pass their blessings to me and hmm, let's just see what can happen next.

haha, as of now, i guess i'm better off befriending my computer and books, my FYP, my projects, and everything else that keeps me away.

home alone

2011-07-14T19:16:00.013+08:00

what do u do when you're bored stiff at home?

play my piano that i haven't touched in 6 months... and while at it, play some new songs =)

got addicted to this song ever since i finished watching glee... maybe it's the lyrics that describes my feelings now, i don't know. made an accidental discovery yesterday that i don't know if i should have known... been feeling weird the whole day but the sale at Fox made up for it - i went on a mini shopping spree and stocked up more clothes =)

decided to do a recording since i've got a powerful phone - im liking my iPhone more and more! =) and now im even thinking of getting a Mac if i were to consider learning iOS development.... sigh. haha.

its pretty rough and everything - but i guess i have RH to thank for having the opportunity to learn to play and sing.. i still need to improve much on coordination, though. can't concentrate on either very well.

click at your own risk, haha. i guess i'm just bored. =/

somewhere

2011-07-13T03:36:00.003+08:00

a sudden rush of emotions after finishing the Glee season 2 last night, and an outing with the SEP ppl today.

after having slacked away a few days, finally met up with the uppsala SEP ppl at vivocity today =) its been nearly 2 weeks... and memories are still flooding our heads. anw, we had lunch and watched transformers, finally. wasnt as bad as what some people said la, haha.

been listening to a few songs on repeat and i was just thinking about the entire SEP journey.. i guess everybody went for a different reason, for me, it started out as a dream since i entered university, as i couldn't make it to an overseas university and wanted badly to have a taste of studying abroad. then, it slowly became a form of escapade for me, an escape from everything back at home, the emotional ups and downs i've been encountering thus far. it was a totally refreshed feeling being in a brand new world out there, seeing and doing things wilder than i have ever imagined. words just can't justify how much i've seen, done and learnt over the past 6 months of my life.

and now that i'm back here at home, sometimes it almost feels like it never happened at all. everything is just too surreal... everything remained almost the same... well, not quite, there were quite a few changes in my family to start off with, firstly being that my father finally quit drinking, something that i can never be more proud of =) and many random and small things... and then comes the friends and relationships which are, simply put, everchanging.

still, being back at home makes me think and look back at everything again, and truly reflect on what i've really seen and done. the outing with the SEP ppl was, in my case, sorta a reminder that we actually embarked on this amazing trip and came back as friends or good friends... it all started out as convenient friends for each other as there were nobody else to turn to in a foreign land.. and then we simply grew to know each other better, something that is inevitable if u see each other almost 24/7 especially during travelling. i wouldn't say i'm super close to this group of friends, but i guess they'll always hold a special place in my heart, this group of people who experience Europe with me, who discovered new things with me.

which brings me to the topic of wondering about fate again.. time and again i kept wondering why fate would let me revolve my SEP largely around our "clique of 4": one girl who, although isn't singaporean, have lived in singapore for a long time, but has pretty different habits from me; one guy whom i have known for 3 years now, and basically.. knowing him too long isn't that good a thing afterall; one guy who's in the same faculty as me and as i slowly came to realise, share pretty similar family background as me as well. but we kinda never got closer than that.

a pretty unlikely team i would say, but we survived months of travelling and living with each other in a foreign land.. it was an experience that i have always wondered if it would have been different with different people. but it's something that can only remain as a wonder. it was fate who brought us to meet each other, and i guess only time will tell why we did..

lots more photos to sort, and memories to sort as well.

i have almost 1 more month to the start of school and with no hall commitments nor job, i lead a very very free life.. haha. been planning to do some self-learning and i guess i really might - it's now, or never.

this song, strangely, brings me back to the streets of europe, recurring images of us walking slowly and carefreely down the streets, watching the world go by...

=//

2011-07-11T17:40:00.003+08:00

in need of something or someone to cheer me up, i dont know what.

the ironies of life continue, and being a tiny human being on this great big planet, there is simply nothing i can do, other than to blame it on fate that things have to happen the way it happened.

it just seems like, everything that i do, is wrong. how do i make things right again, and can i?

tainted memories; the unsettled heart.

coming back.

2011-07-08T03:08:00.002+08:00

it's been exactly a week since i touched down in changi airport after 5.5 months of adventure in europe.

slowly coming to terms with everything in singapore, the weather, the people, the friends and family...

been going out almost every single day since i came back, largely being santa claus trying to clear my souvenirs before they disappear (either melted or eaten up by my family haha)

met jiayong on friday for dinner, the first time i stepped into town in half a year.. nice walking along somerset again after half a year, the surreal feeling that u get knowing that not long ago u were here to settle your residence permit and everything related to the trip that u know nothing about.

meetup with karen the next day, had my first bubble tea and jap food (yoshinoya) in 6 months =D

spent the entire sunday sleeping at home, literally. i've been sleeping a little way too much the whole entire week, but i guess i had to do that, to make up for a whole month's worth of lack of sleep O_o it's all worth it, nevertheless.

on monday i went to sch to meet up with pt jiayin and shihua! first laksa since i came back hehe.. and had a nice meet up with shihua after that at imm too =)

tuesday it was meetup with sheri in the city area... we had a nice and pretty cheap jap lunch/dinner! then i went back to hall to visit the ppl there... distributed my chocolates and well, just sat there to tell/listen to stories.. ah well, hall just seems so different and quiet now. i can't pinpoint exactly what is it that is so different, so i guess the only explanation is that i've changed, too. not in a good nor bad way, just... changed.

wednesday morning was my interview for UDL which... was pretty much what i expected and expectedly i didnt do that well but let's just see... it'll probably determine what my already-different year 4 life would be like =)

went back home to sleep for the afternoon before going to the city again for dinner with pt wilson and shihua =) it's only now that i've come to realise how a combination of 2 guys and 2 girls always seem to work out the best, at least in my case. haha. but anw, glad to have met up with them not long after my touch down.. =)

still not in the mood for an update on my last days in europe, but at least i've began to edit and upload the photos.. haha. took an interest in editing my photos recently and although its super time consuming, at least i feel better looking at my albums than before. lol.

and i guess i've began to come to terms with many other things as well, big and small. SEP has changed my life and my perception of many things. it is both interested and intriguing to realise that your view of many things back here at home has changed, subconsciously.

and it's gonna be different year 4 altogether, more changes to be embraced. i am looking forward to whatever that will be welcoming me ahead. =)

for now, i need to unpack the remaining bits of my luggage and.. hmm, just try to put everything back in place again.

home.

2011-07-02T02:51:00.002+08:00

sitting back at home in singapore, in my room.

so, the entire SEP journey is official over... so much emotions, so much memories, so many photos, so many souvenirs.. i wonder how much of these would i be holding on to as time goes by.. as of now, on my 2nd day since my touch down back in singapore, i'm still feeling a little disoriented to everything here. it feels like home for sure, and it feels like my escapade to europe has indeed ended...

faced with a whole bunch of revelations as i chatted and catched up with friends. its as if reality comes knocking back in again, the truth of whats been happening over the past few months, the good the bad the ugly, everything... came streaming in bit by bit. soon i would have to handle modules and projects properly again too. and it all would start again.

i have about 1 month till the start of school, and meanwhile i guess i really do need some time to adjust back to the reality of home. i never thought i would be this affected just by going overseas for 6 months, but now i guess i did, afterall. SEP opened my eyes and mind to a whole new world out there, and even if i didnt get my focus fully right, it did change my mindset of quite abit of things...

i came back, thinking that i have finally learnt to let go of things that shouldn't matter, but instead came back with new insights and burdens. things would never be the same again, but some old habits just die hard.

first up on my priority list is to unpack and sort out everything. and hopefully sort out my feelings as well. what i'm feeling right now is utterly indescribable, and i dont know exactly who i could share it accurately with...

post-exchange syndrome, indeed.

last of the last

2011-06-28T14:42:00.003+08:00

just to let people know that im still alive, haha.

i'm sitting in guochen's room in stockholm now, basically trying to pack up and pick up last minute souvenirs and then tomorrow evening we'll be flying back to good old singapore.

the entire exchange and travelling journey has been nothing short of amazing, never what you expected but always something new. there are so much things that ive learnt and picked up just about anything on life.

the 23-day trip around europe was a great experience although im not sure if i would wanna do it all over again in the near future. haha. i guess i had enough of europe backpacking for now. =)

so, this is probably the last full day spent in sweden, spent in europe. i don't know what to feel, because half of me actually wants to go home to my friends and family already, but yet another part of me has already fallen in love with this foreign land. i guess i've treasured enough of everything here, experienced whatever that i've wanted to experience, so no regrets when i leave this place, not knowing when's the next time i'll ever be back again..

thank you sweden, thank you europe, for housing me for the past 6 months. i get the feeling that i'll be back again at some point in my life. we'll see =)

will update more on the the trip when im back in singapore and ready to think. meanwhile, just wait for the photos (which will also only be uploaded in singapore for convenience reasons).

im sleepy, from not having enough sleep cos we were settling random things. but i'm happily awake and trying to bask in the light of this last day of my exchange journey. =)

Volos

2011-06-11T14:47:00.004+08:00

Sitting at the bus station in this small town called Volos in Greece. Waiting for the bus to take us to the airport for the flight to Rome. Over the past 6 days, we've had loads of physically intensive actions like moving heavy luggages and climbing steep slopes to get to places... And having an overload of greek food as well, haha. Having similar food for lunch and dinner for 6 days in a row is pretty much no joke.. =/ well
but at least we can say we are happy to have had enough of Greece. =)

The end of studies in uppsala has finally come. Results streaming in one by one, I guess I might be able to pass all 7 modules afterall =) this should be my longest trip I'll ever take in my life, and I kinda like moments like this when I get to sit down and do my own things for a few hours, sitting amidst piles of backpacks and sleeping friends. Funny as it may seem, I have just managed to load my old sing collection into my iPhone and is now enjoying music ive downloaded and missed since secondary school. To be listening to these songs again after so many years, in a foreign environment and with different ppl by my side... It's an entirely fresh experience. and it's adding on to the list of new things I'm experiencing every single day now.

It's day 7 of 22. Almost 1/3 of the journey completed. I guess I've learnt how to take care of myself as I don't feel sick or down (yet). Haha. Or maybe it's just the people around who've been taking care of me too, haha. Hmm. Either way, it's been a pleasant journey so far and italy is up next!

so long, farewell.

2011-06-04T11:30:00.004+08:00

sitting in astrid's room now at 5.30am swedish time, luggage 90% packed, and waiting for my final laundry in uppsala.

just had a final dinner with most of the singaporeans here, at sq's place. went earlier to help out after my final project presentation, going to gustavianum to get an uppsala hoodie, and going back to sch to get some impt documents printed, and finally going to his place. haha. the farewell dinner for everybody was pretty good.. although i don't really feel that much sadness for leaving this place. but i'll still miss everything.

so.. the week after i came back from london was a flurry of preparations to leave this wonderful getaway i had for a semester.

met up with the usual 4 of us for trip planning / dinner on saturday. on monday it was the individual interview for the last remaining project module i have. it went pretty ok despite the lack of actual work done haha. and so the next few days were spent fixing things up and trying to get the project working.. and it finally did, at 4.00am yesterday. lol. pushing last minute to the extreme here in exchange =) and i successfully had my re-exam for my failed module on wednesday, which went pretty well, so i really hope i get to pass this module afterall... hehe. and in the midst of project and exam preparations, there were the last-things to do everywhere. as it turns out i never got to go to gamla uppsala and sunnersta lake.. sigh. but i got close to baking another cake as i helped sq with his apple crumble today (which was really quite nice, must get the recipe from him soon). haha.

moved out from my room on wednesday officially as well... sense of nostalgia having the last night in my private and quiet space. well to save on half a month's rent (which is quite alot) i moved to astrid's room for the remaining 4 days which explains why im here right now. haha.

having not been close to my corridor mates nor most of my classmates, i don't actually have that many goodbyes to say... and im not complaining cos i guess it'll make it even harder for me to leave that way. uppsala is a place in my heart where i got a true getaway from everything that i had wanted to, tried lots of new things that i never knew i could do, and basically learnt just how much i could depend on myself. i can't describe how grateful i am to be really given this chance to go on this exchange, and im really thankful for every single person i've met here.

it has been an amazing 4.5 months of largely travelling and trying to study and interacting in a foreign environment.. from frustration from not being able to understand street signs and supermarket labels, to comfort now when we are all able to understand at least a little bit of what's going on.

i actually think half a year is just nice a period of time for me to experience all that. couldn't have asked for more.

taking a 10.30am bus out of uppsala soon, and up next would be a 22-day trip to 5 countries. not sure whether to look forward to it or not but i'll definitely be another epic trip. i've had my comfort share of alone time for the past 2 weeks, time to say hi to my friends and open up again. =)

and less than a month later i'll be back home.

for now, goodbye uppsala, and till we meet again (if i ever do come back), thanks for all the great memories and experiences you have provided me. i have come to love this university town and its a place that will forever have a special meaning in my heart.

am i actually feeling more thankful than sad now, haha.

thank you, uppsala.

solo travelogue

2011-05-28T19:08:00.002+08:00

i've decided to start this travelogue as a solo traveller for the first time, gonna be a different but nice experience, i hope.

22 May, Sunday, 4.09pm Swedish time

sitting at the skavsta airport waiting for the plane which would depart in an hour. finally going to london, one of the places that i die-die want to go since i'm in europe. and there's not many place that i insist on going, actually. and in less than 24 hours, i'll be seeing the legendary stones and castles and experience an english lifestyle looking forward. =)

on a side note, i'm loving my new clothes and new bag that i bought over the past month. haha. surprisingly the humungous and cheap bag passed through security, and i had 1.5kg to spare for my shopping! lets hope it all works out. =)

22 May, Sunday, 11.54pm UK Time

in the hostel. settled down and talked to the 2 girls in my dorm who are really nice and they are alone as well. =) managed to squeeze in some walking of the street before it got dark, had wanted to go to chinatown but it didnt look safe to be walking on the streets late at night =/ so oh well, i shall leave more explorations till tomorrow, if i'm not too tired. for now, everything's fine and back to normal, and the part of london i've just seen is nice too. not too amazing like what everybody has said, to me it kind of reminds me of singapore, with all the english signboards and right-hand drive. haha. no surprise as the older parts of singapore do resemble london in some ways. i guess it just feels good to be walking in one of the world's most famous city, that's all. =) looking forward to more soon! haha. all's well. =)

24 May, Tuesday, 1.38am UK Time

in the hostel again, switched rooms and now i'm on the uppermost deck of a 3-bunk bed. =S anw, its been a long and nice day. some trouble with the hostel's reception in the morning but i guess that's normal, since its cheap. got to the hotel nearby for a pickup by the coach for the day tour - stonehenge windsor and bath! was a nice tour overall, totally amazed by the architecture and landscape of england. =) stonehenge was nice, although alot of ppl said it's just stones. but knowing its been there for a few thousands years and seeing it upclose, i think that's a different feeling altogether. windsor was magnificent, just like what a castle should be. can't imagine living the life of a real royalty in the modern days like now... and bath is yet another beautifully preserved city filled with nice buildings and of course the intricate roman baths they have too. =) came back to london a little earlier than expected, and i decided to just walk the city =) saw the theatre showing Wicked and i enquired about the ticket price last-minute, too bad it wasnt on much offer. so i decided to give it a miss and start my journey to the city... my feet took me to the westminster abbey, westminster palace, which included the big ben (and i heard it ring 8 times for 8pm!), buckingham palace which was another magnificent royal place, and then through the royal park to regent street, the orchard road of london, and oxford street, yet another orchard road. that was there i saw a beautiful rainbow just across the sky... =) simply magical, and i dont know how many people actually bother to stop and look at the rainbow so clear and complete in the sky. not many, from what i saw. then down to leicester square where i searched for chinatown and found myself in a street full of chinese fooood. was so tempted by the food and smell although the prices were quite exhorbitant. in the end i settle for a dumpling haha which i just at at 12am in the hostel. =S well, chinese food still =D then i took the underground to king's cross where i attempted to find platform 9 3/4 but failed to do so.... sigh. wasted effort again. so i tried walking back to the hostel but gave up halfway and just took a ride on one of london's red double decker bus instead. =) and that ended my nice day and im looking forward to oxford tmr =)

26 May, Thursday, 6.55pm UK Time

sitting in london stansted airport, after a flurry of events that caused me to miss my 4.50pm flight and me spending an extra S$200 to rebook my flight back to stockholm at 6am in the morning.... gah. i guess im pretty much immune to my money now. flowing out like water, yet i dont feel anything anymore. will elaborate later, but as of now everything is settled and i'll be flying in less than 12 hours. 11 hours more to kill at the airport, thank goodness for the laptop (although there's no internet access).

what happened over the past 2 days were amazing and i had such long days that i just fell asleep the moment i went back to the hostel.. travelling alone is indeed a brand new different experience and im pretty much enjoying it, despite alot of random stuff that happened to me... i guess whats most impt is that im still safe and sound and in one piece? haha.

so a review of my past 2 days... on tuesday, it was oxford day.. made a mistake in the bus location and ended up missing my original bus =.= gah i seem to have serious problems with estimating time.. or maybe im just trying to squeeze too many things in at once and over-confident of my estimation. sigh. but anw, i managed to get onto another bus for free and there i went to oxford. what awaited me there was amazing.. i didnt know about the college structure that cambridge and oxford had, until i was there. and the campus is amazing... hundreds of years and the buildings dont change, and u can literally feel the academic vibes all around. spent half a day there, visiting the main attractions although there was a disappointment there when the christ church great hall wasnt open.. that was the great hall used in harry potter movies. sigh. but i got to see the stairs leading to it, and it looks exactly like in the movie. =) visited the market, bought a sandwich and off i went back on a train to london... oxford has a really different feel from london and im glad i visited it. =)

next up was the london night-time journey again. this time i decided to watch les mis, turned up half an hour before the show and didnt manage to get discount =( so i just bought a 20 pound ticket that restricted the view of one corner, but i felt it was fine as i was just there to listen to the songs. very nice, totally worth it. =) it helps when u know the whole musical by heart, aids u in appreciating it even more. after the musical it was nearly 11pm, decided hunt for food at chinatown, stared at the duck rice which is ever-so-famous but decided since im alone, its not so much of an enjoyment... settled for a nyonya dumpling in the end. haha.

wednesday, it was finally time to meet john perez whom i had been asking for a meetup since forever haha. woke up a bit earlier to go see the portebello market which was nice but had nothing i wanted. went to buckingham palace after that to witness the last 15 minutes of the changing of guards. nice music, and interesting to see police riding on horses... haha. then it was on to westminster where i finally met john. we had a nice time walking along the south bank, going to the british museum, getting legally blonde tickets at amazing prices, taking silly photos at trefalgar square which he insisted i must go.. and watching the legally blonde musical of course, which was amazing as we literally have the best seats ever. we even sat near this choreographer from SYTYCD (according to john, i dont watch the show so i didnt know), he went crazy and we managed to take a photo with him! and finally it was on to view the london eye by the night, which was amazing as well. and then we ended our day while i waited for him to board his bus to the airport. it was so nice to finally be meeting and talking to someone familiar and sharing similar views to you in many things. i actually think we would make good travel companions if we had known earlier, lol.

and today was my final day (not-so-final because of the missed flight, but oh well...). went to meet sq who was in town with his friend as well. before that, went for a short walk in hyde park which was beautiful but i guess u cant really appreciate a park that well when u're alone? lol. shopped around in harrods after that with sq and his friend, bought a nice wallet at a great price and other random souvenirs.

and then..... it was the start of disaster as i underestimated the tube, had some trouble navigating my way around, and the hostel was pretty busy when i headed there, causing a delay in retrieving my baggage, and finally i decided to take the tube to the bus stop but didnt make it in the time for the original timing.... waited for the next time which would have served me well, but it was full, and so were the next few buses. i got desparate and went elsewhere to catch a train to the airport, but didnt make it in time, alas. that was... quite a bit of money spent. so i reached the airport before the flight departed but after the gate closed... absolutely no choice and alternatives were floating around in my head, but my next best bet would be the 6am flight next morning which it what im waiting for right now. cost me S$200 in total, that amount down the drain just like that... but im surprisingly calm right now.. what im thinking is that knowing that i had a great time in london, i would have paid any amount to come here (although not to the extremes). the only thing thats on my mind right now actually is that my dear friend here might have bought the same air ticket timing (although way in advance so he paid much less) and i might give him a shock of his life if he sees me later, plus a whole load of explanation to do (especially when he told me not to miss the bus when we parted. what an omen, sigh.). hahah. we shall see...

the whole london experience was nothing short of amazing, meeting different people in the hostel as a lone traveller and experiencing so many things that is unique to the UK. i don't rule out the chance that i might travel alone again next time, although i have really got to learn to control my own timings a little better. let this S$200 just be a lesson for me to learn, haha, and hey its money i can easily earn back as long as im back in singapore. all is well. =)

and now i just need to kill another 10 hours. i have a plan in mind, which is to go shopping until the shops here close at 10pm, leaving me with 7 more hours. then perhaps attempt to do some work out of the offline version that i have... and perhaps sleep for around 4 hours if i can even sleep. i'll survive. haha. what an experience, thankfully this is a pretty big airport which isnt short of 24-hour services. =) off i go shopping now.

26 May, Thursday, 10.16pm UK Time

decided shopping with a big bag wasnt a good idea and there wasnt anything much either. am sitting at an internet area (with no internet access cos i dont wanna pay anymore) but thankfully there is POWER PLUG which is a lifesaver cos my netbook will now be able to last me through the night. =) 6 more hours to kill before i can get ready to check in. wow! time flies. i've been staring at codes for the past 1-2 hours and trying to get some work done. and meanwhile the rashes that started a few days ago have just gotten a little bit worse. sigh. and my nokia phone just literally died, the screen blanked out and now i'm left with my singapore number iPhone cos i can't cut my swedish sim card just yet. looks like im still on a suay-streak for now but i just hope things will get better. thank goodness for 24-hour burger king which i am going go and get some food for dinner/supper late. actually this is a pretty nice airport to be staying overnight at, if only i had my rashes medicine with me now then it wouldnt be that uncomfortable. sigh. plan now: code for 1 more hour, have food, settle other random admin things, then sleep for around 4 hours.

28 May, Saturday, 1.09pm Swedish time

so now im back in my room in uppsala. after sleeping for 12 hours straight.. i guess i did underestimate my own ability in doing packed tours.. haha. i thought i'd give myself a break and take it easy, but as it turns out i was as tired out as when i was travelling with the group. oh wells but london was nice, overall. no regrets going, no matter how much money i spent. haha.

anw, sq appeared at around 2am, which was about 1 hour after i found a seat to sleep on. i wasn't wearing my specs when he found me so i didnt see his expression but im guessing he shld be rather surprised lol. explained what happened to him and got that little bit of scolding lol but anw, i cant deny that it was actually nice to have company while waiting for the plane and buses. and my phone screen miraculously revived itself when i tried to show him how suay i was. lol. =.= so anw, we finally reached stockholm at 11+am and parted from there while he took the train and i took the bus back to uppsala. haha.

now i have 4 days to pack my room and move to astrid's place for 3 days. and a project to rush finish, and a re-exam to settle (if its even possible). wish me luck for this last lap at uppsala.

i havent been making much foreign friends when i'm here (typical of me) so i dont actually have that many goodbyes to say. but what i'll miss is my big room and private toilet and the peace and tranquility i get here. london gave me a taste of what its like to be back in a big and busy city, and i guess thats really where i shld belong anw. uppsala is a pleasant getaway and gave me the energy to continue with my life, totally recharged. =)

goteberg

2011-05-22T01:13:00.002+08:00

and so i embarked on another weekend trip last weekend, to the 2nd largest city of Sweden, gothenburg. the decision to go was yet another last minute one but everything went well. =)

before that it was a rush to finish some final presentations and assignments for 2 of the modules. and funnily enough i managed to pass the biz mod despite putting in minimal effort. while on the other hand my cs modules seem to be in a bit of a risk. =/ pray and hope for the best while i await the lecturer for the failed module to reply!

then there was the swedish written and listening exams which were.... manageable but because the passing percentage is 65%, i am still holding on to my life... hope it'll be ok! but i cant deny i've learnt so much for this semester, way more than my other modules.. and its great to be able to finally understand what the swedes are saying and surprise some locals when i speak some simple sentences. hope this language ability will be retained in years to come! i kind of like learning languages now, i realise. =)

immediately after the written exam last friday, we headed to a nation for a party.... apparently the theme was some russian music and the dance music was.... weird. way weird. haha. anw half of us werent party people so we just kinda stood there and i didnt even get a drink. haha the ultimate aim of us going there was for the live band that went up stage late but they were amazing... first of its kind i've seen, drums, double bass, acoustic guitar, clarinet, saxaphone and violen! and the music they make, russian style again. haha. but the players were amazingly good and they managed to make the entire audience high from just those few seemingly classical instruments.. haha.

the party ended at 11+pm and i didnt have time to head over to sq's place as i initially wanted to, because our train to goteberg the next morning was way too early for any buses. so i ended up not sleeping at all and began my 45-min walk from flogsta to centralstationen at 4.15am -- and it was already bright!! haha.. that's the best thing about sweden now. too much sunlight.

our train got slightly delayed but we arrived in goteberg on time and in one piece, and met with peymum and hakliang who were exchanging there. lunched at their place, then we headed to the archipelago where we basically enjoyed free bus and ferry rides.. haha. not supposed to be the case, but oops, we're poor students. we headed to one of the bigger islands, explored it abit, climbed up the rocks and along the shoreline, and it started raining.... quite heavily. our definition of heavy rain has changed when we're in sweden, though. haha. here, heavy rain doesnt include thunder and lightning like what we see in singapore. it just means.. rain. that isn't a drizzle. haha.

headed back to mainland and back to their hostels, made ourselves warm and then we attempted a bbq but failed because it was just too cold and windy. ended up cooking the food in their kitchen and we started playing all sorts of cardgames, mostly courtesy of sq's teaching, and played all the way till 1-2am. how long has it been since we had such fun late into the night? =)

next morning we went to a lake behind their hostel, a 30-min walk but it was quite worth the view. =) stayed there for while, then it was time for liseberg! despite the rain, we enjoyed ourselves alot spending a whole full day there until it closed at 8pm.. and my greatest achievement there? taking countless roller coasters (i mean it, we took each roller coaster at least twice and there were at least 4 of them - and some of them we took them consecutively because some people thought they didnt had enough =.=) and also the FREE FALL tower. before this date,i have never attempted a real roller coaster ride (less the kiddy ones), not to say 360 deg inversions and twists and whatnots... and 90 deg drops.. and freefalls... all those were never in my vocabulary. haha. but thanks to the big group of people, i got to take all of them and well, there really werent as scary as they seem, although i wouldnt wanna take them again for nothing. lol.

we also did some betting over there, and sq won for himself a 2kg big box of KEX chocolate with just one try... haha. lucky man.

and that ended our great fun that the rain couldnt even destroy =) we were all wet but happy =) headed back to their hostel for a quick dinner at pizza restaurant which was great as well, and finally time for us to head back to uppsala on a swebus journey that was less than pleasant - we didnt have seats together and the people sitting beside us all had weird habits etc... haha. oh wells. reached back to uppsala on monday morning and concussed.

and for the past few days, other than heading out for random shopping and errands i've been pretty much spending alone time in my room, tidying up everything that needs to be done. while everybody else is out partying etc.. i would say this is actually a much-needed time as less than a month later i'll be on a whole month of adventure with friends 24/7. introvert me needs some space, and i know it. =)

well, more alone time ahead when i'll be flying to london alone and spending 2-3 days by myself before meeting up with people, but i think it's gonna be a whole new experience altogether. spent a whole day researching, and i wonder what would have happened if i had spent at least half the effort i spend on travel planning on my school work instead. haha. anw, really looking forward to my solo trip this time. hope all goes well. i'm finally gonna step foot into UK!

oh and before i forget, there are really some things i wanna do before leaving uppsala. and i only have like 5 days left to accomplish them once i'm back from london.

- get uppsala hoodie / tshirt
- bake another cake
- visit gamla uppsala museum
- visit lilla sunnersta (seems a bit impossible now but oh wells)

yea something like that. we'll see. =)

easter & etc.

2011-05-19T01:11:00.005+08:00

alrights so im on the train to goteberg right now, didnt manage to write this entry before i leave afterall. haha.

sitting on this train and watching central sweden pass by... while listening old music on my harddisk, music that have accompanied me through different phases of my life in singapore. an experience by itself. =)

so the purpose of this entry is to record down bits of the easter trip and happenings thereafter. so here goes~

the start to the trip was a really rocky one for me, so here's what happened. met astrid to take the bus from flogsta to centralstationen, but on the way i realised i forgot to
take with me a whole folder of travel documents.. so i went back to take, and then everything spiraled downhill... missed the bus back to centralstationen, thus missing the train to stockholm, and then realising that there wasnt another train to stockholm that could allow me to catch the airport shuttle. after much flurry, i finally managed to get a bus ticket to vasteras, which, according to the counter person, was around 1km away from the airport itself. so off i went and reached vasteras, but i didnt know how to get to the tiny airport as it was literally some super ulu place. went to a supermarket to ask for directions, got a map printed and off i went thinking it was the right direction.. until 15 min before the checkin counter closed, did i realise i wasnt anywhere near, so as i was near some farming area, i managed to catch a tractor driver who directed me in the right direction finally... apparently i had to backtrack. with only 15 min left i was panicking but still had to continue walking. attempts to hitchhike failed as all the cars zoomed past on the expressway. and finally at a road junction near to the airport, i finally managed to flag down a car going in that direction and get to the airport in time for checkin. so that ended my little adventure, even way before trip started. haha. i guess that's an experience i'll never forget, but it also taught me how public transport isnt always what u expect... and that gave me blisters on the feet as well, although thankfully they disappeared the day after.

Easter trip: Barcelona, 18-20 Apr
so we took the plane to barcelona finally, spent the night at the tiny Girona airport.. which wasn't a comfortable stay at all cos we took the floor which was super cold.. finally it was time in the morning for the first bus and train to Barcelona city. put our bags in the hostel and proceeded to the free walking tour of which we were introduced to Gaudi's many works within Barcelona. amazing pieces that catches even the normal person's eyes. u dont need to be an artsy person to appreciate them, haha. most amazing and grand one would have to be the segrada familia which is still under construction even after 100 years. but the details on the facade explains why. haha. after the tour, we had paella lunch at a restaurant... woohoo love spanish paella =) although not everybody appreciates it haha. in the evening we went to park guell, which is another of Gaudi's gigantic piece of work.. an entire park on top of a hill filled with his architecture style! amazing and beautiful.. spent the rest of the evening there and then we went back to the city centre and found ourselves tapas buffet dinner! omg indulgence haha.

2nd day in Barcelona was a more boring day with an old town tour filled with history.. then it was time for the guys to get all excited! as we went to the FC Barcelona's homeground - Camp Nou. i don't claim to know anything about soccer, but even then it was pretty amazing to see such things in real life. equivalent of me wanting to see musician's places or say, places where MVs are film. lol. spent a good half day there taking photos of the field and the stadium..

3rd day of Barcelona was a day trip to the mountain Monserrat.. beautiful place with amazing rock structures. watching the Monserrat boy's choir was a great experience too despite the overflowing crowd in the cathedral.. always love how the acoustics and the pipe organ blends in the cathedral creating the beautiful music.. after that we took the funicular up the mountains, climbed further up and picnicked at one of the spots... great scenery =) soon it was time for me sq astrid and derek to depart to catch our plane to our next destination, while the 3 biz girls continue their time in Barcelona.. =)

Easter trip: Madrid, 21-23 Apr
a relatively relaxed trip (maybe because i was the planner haha). anw, our flight from Barcelona to Madrid got delayed for over an hour and we were trapped inside the airplane without ventilation. zzz. apparently there was a storm in Madrid that caused the airport to close. but we still got to Madrid airport at near midnight, and we found a nice spot at the new terminal, a whole bench to ourselves, pretty much private. =) spent the night there again while waiting for the first train to Madrid city. when we reached, it was raining and all gloomy... deposited our bags at the hostel and we had chocolate and churros for breakfast while waiting for Madrid to wake up - apparently it was public holiday and in the early morning, it was ridiculously quiet and deserted. haha. soon the city started to wake up, we took the sandemans walking tour that took us pretty much around the whole city. then because of the lack of sleep the previous night, we went back to our hostel to concuss for a few hours before dinnertime. haha. dinner was at a place known as the ham museum, which sells cheap and good food. =) very crowded though and we had to stand at the counter to eat. nice experience though. we attempted to watch the pre-good-friday procession that is characteristic of most spanish cities.. it got cancelled though, due to rain. haha.

next day was a day trip to Segovia, a small town near Madrid. main attractions there was the roman aqueduct and the fairytale-like castle. both didnt disappoint, with the plus point of having great scenery all around, mountains, green pastures and etc. you could literally imagine horse carriages coming into the city through the winding paths in the fields. =) another good thing we manage to catch was the good friday procession right in Segovia. got to watch them really up close as there wasn't too many tourists there. very special and eye-opening processions there, and we even followed them all the way to the big cathedral where each church displayed their floats. dinner for the day was at the shopping centre at the bus terminal back in Madrid, where we found ourselves a nice chinese buffet at a reasonable price... haha. not forgetting epic shopping in the shopping centre! there was a shop selling all accessories at crazy prices, and had i not been on a backpacking trip, i'd have bought double the amount. lol.

3rd day was a sleep-in day, a rest we all needed after the crazy chionging for 6 days. visited the egyptian temple which wasnt that impressive, had yet another buffet lunch in the shopping street, did more shopping, and then we proceeded to the el retiro park - probably the highlight of the day, it was surprisingly pretty and relaxing.. we just spent a few hours inside strolling and basking in the sun, haha, and getting sunburnt or tanned along the way too. we all grew a few shades darker after the entire trip apparently. no surprise why. and then, the night was spent in the airport again, this time at a different spot with wifi but no proper sitting place =/ while we waited for an early morning flight..

Easter trip: Amsterdam, 24-26 Apr
next destination, the city of vices. first up was the flower garden Keukenhof, filled with tulips and more tulips, colours and more colours. nothing else i could say. haha. =) then guochen came and join us, and we proceeded to the amsterdam city centre, put our bags in the hostel, and went hunting for all the vices - sex museum, red light district. nothing to say either, and not in a good way.. haha. let's just say it was something that you just had to see but forget after that. lol. how dark human life can get.

2nd day was better, when we had a day trip out to Volendam and Edam, the land of cheese and streams and lakes and great scenery. we only managed to catch sight of 1 windmill though and it wasnt even accessible. well at least we did see a windmill in holland. spent the day picnicking at the harbour again. haha we grew to like picnics somehow, cheap and good and relaxing. =) the cheese factory was interesting too, learning how cheese is produced handmade. at night back at Amsterdam, we took the canal cruise around the city, which wasnt very impressive, then had indonesian food for dinner at a restaurant recommended by astrid. haha. and then had fun taking photos at the landmark "iamsterdam" letters. and finally to mark the end, we rushed back down to the city centre to get guochen his belgian fries in amsterdam. lol. no less tastier than the real belgium ones, since they are just next to each other. haha. and finally, the guys decided to take this 360 deg inverter thing that they have been staring at for the past 2 nights -.- crazy just looking at it, but they enjoyed it. haha. oh wells.

Easter trip: Copenhagen, 26-27 Apr
took a morning flight from Amsterdam to Copenhagen, and that was when i started to feel sick due to a lack of sleep and cumulative effects of exhaustion. haha. oh wells. anw we spent the day in Tivoli where i didnt get a day pass cos i was sick, but the rest of them had fun on the rides =)

2nd day was spent cycling around the entire city, visited attractions, the famous little mermaid (no idea why it is so famous until now, other than the fact that it is based on the fairytale), and wanted to pay the Christiania town a visit but we were just too lucky, they decided to close down that very morning. anw half the time i was half-awake haha so nothing hit me particularly well, but it was a nice city nevertheless. guess i've managed to visit all the scandinavia countries afterall! =)

Easter trip: Lund, 28 Apr
caught a night train to Lund where we met up with Desmond and Kah Hwee, one of the money people exchanging there. next morning we took a quick tour around the small city, and had a nice picnic at the botanic gardens. haha picnic again. watched a movie in desmond's room, ip man, while they prepared dinner for us, and we had a nice and long dinner talking to each other and also some of their corridor mates. truly international. haha. and we also found out how small the world is when sq met his long-time friend there too. i guess after coming for exchange, the biggest thing i've learnt is how small the world really is. haha.

then it was finally time to come back to uppsala, our home for the next one month! the train ride wasnt the best one ever due to some random drunk person but oh well, it's just good to settle back down in uppsala.

Valborg, 30 Apr
i spent the next day trying to recover from my sickness, and on the 30th April, it was Valborg! the biggest festival in uppsala where people from all over sweden literally gather here. and so we wonder what's so special. we met up early in the morning with the whole bunch of visitors from gothenburg and stockholm and etc.. they camped at the river while i arrived later as i was still feeling sick. finally it was time for the styrofoam raft race down the river.. interesting to see all the different raft design and how they capsize or dont capsize when going down the fall in the river. haha.

then was a picnic, again, at eknonomikum parken, which was transformed into a party ground.... now i finally understand why uppsala is known as a party town. anw the weather wasnt really very good, it was way too cold to have a nice picnic, and there was not much sunlight as well. after awhile we gave up and took a walk around the city centre before heading back to flogsta for a bbq at derek's place, which ended up in the balcony cos it was just too cold to go anywhere else. haha. but it was a nice gathering of the singaporeans, though. =)

Soccer match at stockholm, 2nd May
that wasnt the end of the playing, haha. on 2nd may, right after a final seminar for one of the modules (that we managed to smoke through quite well), we went to stockholm for a soccer match which was refreshing (to me) but not too exciting because of, once again, the freezing cold weather. haha but it was a nice experience nevertheless, watching a live soccer match between 2 cities in a country.

after this, it was some mad rush for a few deadlines and swedish exam which all went pretty ok, just hope that i'd pass everything eventually.

as of now i'm already sitting in my room in uppsala, done with the gothenburg trip (and no longer on the train there, as what i wrote at the start of the entry haha). but i shall leave the update for this trip to another entry as this entry is getting ridiculously long. haha. =)

overall, the easter trip, although tiring and not too enjoyable towards the end due to me falling sick, but it'll probably be one of the things i'll remember the most out of the SEP. and more to come, when we embarked on the mega trip in june. i guess i should be looking foward. =)

googled

2011-05-11T16:14:00.002+08:00

while desperately trying to finish up the stupid overdue essay that i cant wait to get it off my list, ive been watching lots of videos (part of the assignment) as well and thinking about stuff.

seeing as alot of my friends are going on internship now, it only just occurred to me that exactly one year ago it was my first day at 5PR1NG singapore.. the "accidental" internship that i got, as like to put it that way, cos i never expected myself to land in such an internship. prestigious nonetheless, and it really got me thinking about what to do next.

who would have thought, one year later i'm sitting here in this foreign land that i'll still be calling home for less than a month more. and trying to write an essay for a foreign subject (and submitting it late). and having been to at least 4 countries and many other cities in the past 4 months.

and watching random geek tech videos (partially because of my assignment), partially to prepare myself for the unknown FYP and partially out of plain interest. guess i do have this one guy here to thank for this part, for indirectly feeding me with loads of tech news feeds that i dont read back in singapore. haha. but after all these it boils down to the same question for myself again - what do i really want to do? graduation is not far.

maybe i'll know after my FYP, maybe not. but as of now, i'm pretty sure i dont have that deep an interest in those hardcore stuff as the guys do. i get engaged in tech talks, i have ideas. but i guess the interest just isn't as much, so much for me to start wanting to work on them. or phrase it another way, i'm probably just lazy. haha.

either way, there's still quite a distance more to go and i'm pretty interested to know what will happen in my final year of university life. =)

back to techy videos.

end is near.

2011-05-11T04:03:00.004+08:00

ten days into May and i've accomplished next to nothing.... ok maybe i did, i achieved lots and lots of sleep and relaxation and facebooking and catching up with what's happening in the world. nothing much on the academic front haha. it almost feels like i'm on a holiday now with one lesson per week all the way till June when we leave for our real month-long holiday. ok but work to be done..

im not yet in the mood to update about the Easter trip and random events thereafter but i'll probably do so within this week seeing as i'll be embarking on yet another trip to Göteberg this weekend. have lost count of my finances but i should do my accounts soon before it all goes crazy. hah.

it's been pretty warm here these few days, above 20 deg celsius. i shldnt be complaining seeing as singapore is at least 10 deg warmer than sweden now haha. ok and i aint complaining, for its my first time wearing a single layer and shorts and stepping out of the door! first time in 5 months! i do miss my shorts and i wanna go shopping for summer clothes soon =) ok but time to keep track of my finances first =/

i have a list of things i wanna do before leaving uppsala and i shall put it up soon (and hopefully really fulfill them).

anw, the main point of me logging in to write this entry is to rant about something thats been building up inside of me for quite some time..

how can i survive travelling / living another month with a guy whom i simply cant stand any longer, a guy who's more bitchy and gossipy than most girls i know, and, i repeat, just really can't stand?? how can a guy possibly be like this, that's something i cannot comprehend and accept.

i dont know how it happened since ive known this guy for almost 3 years but it just got worse and worse and things have just been going downhill... and i know i aint being very secretive here cos most readers here would know obviously who i'm referring to. and you should probably understand what i'm saying, although maybe not to my extent.

and what else can u do other than to let things continue the way it is because there's absolutely no way u can bail out of this, or u'll be all alone?

theres not many people out there who can really stir up such discontent with me, but i guess the more time u spend with some people the worse u see in them, just something that i really, really can't stand.

times like this i wished i had my good friends here with me, friends who share the same ideals and thoughts as i do. but i guess that's the challenge of being on exchange, almost 4 months into it and i finally do get it. u learn to adapt and survive. in situations u never knew u would be able to.

ah, not that i've never tried it before... i guess i'll survive. somehow. wish me luck.

hi may.

2011-05-01T21:59:00.002+08:00

back from an exhausting half a month out of town. where did my april disappear to??

it's labour day, 1st of may, 4pm swedish time.

more updates on the trip when i have the time and energy, it was something that i guess i wouldnt forget for life. =)

as of now, i need to recover from my pretty serious bout of diarrhoea, get myself some good groceries, clean my room, do my laundry, and start figuring out what to do for my remaining 1 month of school. time to do some work.

come on body, please recover...

meanwhile, just to share that i've had a great end of april so far despite the numerous obstacles that i would elaborate on in due time.

3/4 of the journey almost gone omg! make the last 1/4 good.

the long-overdue update

2011-04-12T01:59:00.006+08:00

as the title suggests. yes, finally have time to sit down and do something like this, before i embark on yet another crazy trip this coming weekend.

- final presentations for 2 modules
so, my 1st period of school ended on 17th march. they ended pretty well, and i even got grade 5 (highest grade) for one of the "design" modules that we didnt end up designing anything in the end. just wrote a course blog which u can find here http://avint11.blogspot.com haha. the other programming module was just, well... smoked through. i didnt do much to be honest but i guess i still passed. now it's just left with 1 module's results that im crossing my fingers for... =S

- belgium trip (18 - 21 March)
and immediately (literally) after the presentations were over, it was time for a week-long trip. first off was belgium with astrid derek shaoqi woke wangchen and yizhi. and since it happened nearly a month ago, this account is gonna be pretty summarised.

so first we met up on the night of 17th to go to Stockholm. and we wanted to sleepover at the central train station. bad luck, we got chased out after 12 midnight... so we went to macdonald's, and alas, at 2am we got chased out as well. so we proceeded to a kebab place where we seeked shelter till 3.30am where we went back to bus station for the bus to the airport. zzz. what an experience getting chased out everywhere when it was -ve temperatures outside. and we met 2 other "refugees" as well because of this. haha. anw, we finally got to the airport and checked in, flew to brussels... and there began our trip.

first we train-ed to bruges, this wonderful UNESCO town filled with nice old little buildings. did lots of walking around, visiting cathedrals and museums, etc. had a nice dinner at a restaurant, did a night walk around the town, and next morning we went for a boat tour which was very nice too =) very scenic town with a rustic feel! oh and not forgetting our fill of chocolates and waffles and fries along the way. hehe.

in the afternoon we caught the train to brussels, where we continued our walking.. visited the famous status of the peeing boy (manneken pis). it was in our chinese textbooks, that was how we got to know of the story. lol. then we quickly learnt that it was just one of the legends, nobody knows why the statue was there. =.= there was also a random procession going on which we later realised was part of some fund raising efforts for african kids. hmm interesting. then we continued walkin around the city, marvelling at the grand place which was filled with really grand a majestic old buildings 360 degrees. me woke and wangchen went to check into our hostel earlier, to realise that it was a really big sports hall, probably a place built for a sports event or smth. the rooms were super big as well. nice. we went out to meet the rest for dinner at a nice restaurant, having nice seafood for once.. brussels at night is happening and nice =)

next morning, we went to our next hostel which was equally nice though location was abit shady, we thought we were walking in middle east for a moment. haha. then was the visit to the city museum and chocolate museum and more random walking around. sad that i didnt get to visit the musical instrument museum though. looked interesting =/ and there was the atomium which was a pretty impressive structure by itself haha but it offered nth much.
and the next morning was the rush from hostel to the train to the bus to the airport. haha. luckily it all worked well.. and that concluded our belgium trip filled with lots of waffles, fries and chocolate. haha.

- estonia (tallinn) cruise trip (21 - 24 March)
immediately after belgium was another cruise trip to tallinn. haha. the first time i ever attempted 2 consecutive trips.. tiring, but wasn't as bad as i would have thought. =) anw, upon arrival at stockholm, the group of us went for pizza buffet hahaha. following which, sq and i walked 45 mins from the city centre to the ferry terminal.. haha. and because we switched bags, i think he was doubly more tired that i was. oops =/ met up with mabel and diane where we started our trip =) cruise was nothing much, me and sq practically concussed throughout due to the tiredness of the previous trip. upon arrival at tallinn, we went to the hostel which was nice and cheap.. then we hunted for cheap lunch and walked at the local market.. which was disappointing and surprising as well - they were selling food expired for 3 years!! yes, the expiry date says 2008. =/ later we asked a local who said that they think some food can be eaten beyond its due date, and they like it cos they are poor... hmm. anw we met this random old lady who approached us and brought us all around, only to discover later that she wanted to spread some religious stuff haha. sigh. at night, we decided to go to the estonian national opera and watch My Fair Lady! in Estonian, no less! there was supposed to be subtitles but there wasn't... sigh. and we felt so out of place cos we were super underdressed compared to those upper class ppl in estonia hahah. but it was a nice experience and the music was great too =)

the next morning, we went to an observation platform with great seaview.. and impossible layers of ice on the ground to walk on haha. hunted for cheap lunch again at a good restaurant, and then to the open museum where we just walked around again because it was all artsy stuff haha. and in the evening it was the cruise back to stockholm again where we slept alot haha. a nice and relaxed trip =)

- da jie's visit (25 March - 10 Apr)
2 days after i came back, da jie arrived in sweden for a 2-week long trip. =) and she brought along what i wanted - magiclean cloth (for me to clean my room much more effectively) and indomie!! i had thought i would be able to find it here but i was wrong. haha. its a great instant food to have. anw she went to abisko and saw the northern lights, even more than i did. =) her visit brought me a pretty much-needed support halfway through my SEP journey, although my schedules were disrupted sometimes. quite thankful for it afterall. =)

- random stockholm trip to watch ice hockey (27 March)
then on the same sunday, while da jie was still in abisko, the bunch of us decided pretty last minute to go for an ice hockey match in stockholm! sq astrid and i went to stockholm in the morning and walked around randomly and relaxed... one of the best walked in stockholm i had =) then we proceeded to the Globe for the match... great experience! great match as well. the atmosphere there was really nice and patriotic and etc haha... glad that we managed to go for it =)

- trip plannings and etc with the usual gang
seems that we have found our fixed grp of travel mates, so me astrid sq derek sat down and discussed on our easter and june trips... its alot more work than we think it is haha. hope everything works out well..

- 3 new modules
then was the start of 3 new modules.. 2 IT and 1 biz. was glad that i decided to continue with all of them cos the lessons here really give me new experiences. especially the biz module. just hope that everything goes well too. i am putting in less than half the efforts i do in nus, on exchange, and its quite bad. haha.

- hall stay decision for next year
finally decided on not staying, at least for sem 1. monetary issues, and i guess its time for me to experience life outside of hall (and probably more on academics). it's a decision that i know i won't regret. =) even though i will miss doing performances... but well, if i do join other activities elsewhere, i still get the chance to play with music anyway, i guess.

- norway trip with da jie (31 March - 3 April)
it was last minute planning but everything turn out well in the end. it was a tad bit expensive, but pretty much worth it for the unique scenery it provides. =) thursday morning was the flight to bergen, then we proceeded to the hostel that was halfway up a mountain... great view. =)

friday was the norway in a nutshell tour that was a great as it was described by others. abit of scenery exhaustion towards the end, but it was refreshing change and a great getaway (if uppsala isn't already a getaway by itself, haha)

saturday was some walking and exploring of the bergen city.. it was raining and dark and gloomy, which was a pity. visited a few attractions, the nicest one was bryggen which was a row of wooden houses and narrow alleys... very nice and amazing how the houses seems so fragile and crooked but survived hundreds of years in sun rain and wind. haha. we were lucky enough to see this special event in bergen, some sort of special saturday that had the stores around the city having discounts everywhere. my sister ended up shopping for alot of clothes in H&M cos the rain caused us to not be able to go anywhere. haha. at least the shopping was worth it.

oh, and dinners in the hostel were always an interesting experience, as we get to see what other hostelites have for budget dinner.. haha. the breakfast that the hostel served was comparable to hotel breakfast! nice.

on the last morning, it was finally clear sky, so we went to take the funicular up to one of the mountains, mt floyan. great view, just that we couldnt stay for long due to the flight in the afternoon.. but overall, the trip was yet another nice and relaxed one filled with great sceneries and views.. =)

- FYP allocation
and i finally got my FYP allocated! even though i have no idea what exactly i'm supposed to be doing yet, but i hope it goes well and i'm actually quite excited about it. finally my wish of doing computer + music stuff comes true. im lucky. =)

that was basically the big events that happened to me over the past month. haha. more to come soon, as i'll be embarking on a 12-day easter trip this coming sunday...

so. i'm slightly more than halfway through this amazing SEP journey. the emotions i experienced are as much as the amount of money that i have spent. hahaha. it's quite alot. i guess this is one whole experience i'll never ever forget, changing my perspectives of so many things and really making me grow up more than i have ever imagined. i might not have gotten everything right from the start, but i know eventually, everything will be fine. just, give me the strength and energy to continue with this 2nd half of my journey. =)

scram scammers

2011-04-06T19:45:00.002+08:00

i promised myself to record down the happenings within the last month on the next entry, but i guess this has to come first... just need to find somewhere to put it down.

it never came across my mind that family members have things to hide as well. i've always thought that my family, although a traditionally quiet and down-to-earth one, would always be frank with each other. well apparently time has told me that many things are supposed to be looked beyond its surface.

2 days ago, a msg from my er jie alerted my da jie and i, who are both out of the country. there was absolutely no way we could do anything other than to call back and ask. it apparently happened weeks ago, but severals calls back home within that period and nothing was mentioned. and it wasn't something small. it was considerably big.

what pained me wasn't the fact that the few thousand dollars that i knew were hard-earned by themselves, were lost in a moment of folly to those despicable scammers. it was the fact that we as children couldnt do anything to make them feel better. it made me think over and over again, what was it that we haven't been doing, such that they would actually fall prey to such well-designed scams? and their pride, and the fact that they had to deal with the probably-not-working huge items that they were forced to bring back.

it seems like no matter how faraway certain stories seem to be, it can happen to anybody, literally.

i wish i were in Singapore to have stopped them from doing something like this.

but then again, maybe it would have been better for them to deal with it by themselves, like they have always done so, maybe even before i was born.

2 days into the news and i've probably calmed down, but it has also brought me to my next decision - to continue not taking money from them and to do something for them, maybe not for the business but for their own personal good.

i guess i do need to do something. the promise i gave myself 3 years ago when i first entered university. there is so much more about the family that i need to learn, and i can't always be escaping from it. 3 years down the road and i have finally learnt to take things in stride and understand the reason why i am made to do certain things that many others don't have to.

please, just let it all be resolved. i would like to go back to the same welcoming family that hasn't changed with time. afterall they are the people who would listen to me no matter what, even if they don't know a single thing of what i'm saying.

and i would just like to say, damn you, scammers. money doesn't come easy and you will pay the price in quadruples one day.

.....

2011-04-04T08:14:00.004+08:00

dear blog (and random readers),

i believe this has been the longest period that i've neglected you so far, haha. there are so many things i wanna sit down properly to type but i simply can' find the time to!! =(

so here's a quick update on what happened with my life over the past month. more updates to be done as soon as i can find the time and energy to actually do so. haha.

in chronological order,
- final presentations for 2 modules
- belgium trip
- estonia (tallinn) cruise trip
- da jie's visit
- random stockholm trip to watch ice hockey
- trip plannings and etc with the usual gang
- 3 new modules
- hall stay decision for next year
- norway trip with da jie
- FYP allocation

phew, that's a lot of things. hmmm. we'll see when i'll actually sit down properly to do it. because i have also one month worth of accounts to keep track of, before i go bankrupt before i know it. =/ and not forgetting 3 modules worth of project due dates stacking up one by one.

exchange really does test and stretch my limits. in many ways.

wish me luck as i embark on the 2nd half of my journey here.

假设

2011-03-13T08:10:00.003+08:00

a short update on these few days.

hibernation mode for the past few days studying for my exam on friday. wasnt too good cos i basically didnt study =.= some last-minute cramming and previous knowledge helped me to answer more than half the paper, so i guess i'll pass if i'm lucky. hmmm. we'll see.

despite entering the exam hall half an hour late, i came out one hour early at 6pm (because the exam was 5 hours long). went to the library to return the textbook immediately, sat in there to surf the net a little, and thats when i realised that nobody stays in the library on a friday night.. haha.

went back to ITC where i met shaoqi, hunted for an open and empty room with projector.. and we did! at a comp lab in one of the houses. then astrid derek and mabel came and we watched The King's Speech inside while eating our packed dinners. haha. pretty nice experience i would say. abusing our student rights. or making full use of it, actually. =) movie was pretty good and the soundtrack makes me miss playing the piano.. hmm.

today saw a visit by guochen and alvin from stockholm.. so derek astrid and i brought them around (though i joined only from noon).. visited some places that i havent visited before, nice =)

灾难一个又一个的发生。身边的人一个又一个离去、改变。。

身在海外的我，虽感庆幸自己生活在非常安全的环境，心里却是一波又一波的感触。

世界真的是变幻莫测。我们以个人力量所能控制的，真的是少之又少。

原本不太信仰（任何神圣）的我，竟然开始想象世界莫日的到来。我不认为是件恐怖的事。。该发生的总会发生，不该发生的。。就是不会。

今天和一群新加坡大男生，一起在自己应该熟悉却还是陌生的土地上步行、走马看花。。是不同的体验。=)

人际关系很复杂，我本身也不善于处理。

万一世界真的在2012结束，我会带着遗憾离开吗？我一向坚持自己的决定，走下去就不要后悔。可是现在想了想。。。我现在珍惜的人事物，会不会到头来只是过眼云烟罢了？我到底是真的满意吗？

看着二姐的结婚写真，我真的不禁微笑起来。记得以前我好奇地偷看了她的日记一下，发现原来那时候的她也正在挣扎。。看她现在幸福着，我突然觉得幸福并不远。。。可是，是这样吗？

二十一岁又三个月大的我，情场经验，零。台下看戏的次数，我不想算。回到珍惜人生的话题来说，我真的无法想象自己几时才有勇气和机会去对一个男生说，我欣赏你？几时又有可能得到另一方的认同？目前为止，不太可能。如果要有遗憾，我想这就是了吧。

这世界结束之前，我能有机会填补这空洞吗？

旅学，真的能让人生观改变。

中学时期，总认为别人口中有着一个“他”或“她”的暗恋对象，是件很炫的事。于是我也漫无目的的写起一个“他”。。至今，我也忘了“他”是否有存在过。好多年后，今天的我还是漫无目的的写着一个“他”。他真的存在吗？

失误，让我当心，让我停滞不前。

现在的我，只想看多一点世界，和继续期待。

gone

2011-03-10T06:08:00.003+08:00

and its the end of the day and i have yet to do anything significant to the already-overdued lab report. not that i really care, actually.

just cooked myself a double portion of fried noodles and im still feeling too full from it, with 1/3 of the portion left. haha. getting tired of my own cooking, actually. need to try out new styles, but there's cost limits. hmm.

although its been a pretty much lonely day spent by myself in the room, with a short walk to the supermarket down the hill in the snow at 2 deg celsius, it was, i would say, a relatively bumpy day emotionally. make that a few days, actually.

randomly surfing around can actually cause some revelations.. one after another. they are neither good nor bad, just.. things that make me stop and think for quite abit.

back at home, received news from my sister that my 2nd aunt has just passed on. it isnt a very shocking news to me, as she has been holding it out for several years already.. what would my father be feeling right now? having a 2nd sibling gone. that's just life and what it is, i guess. skyped home just to make sure things are alright and chatted with my sister for awhile about her upcoming trip here..

i have always remember my aunt as a very fragile person physically, even though she took care of me when i was young last time, for short periods of time. always liked how she had many toys for me in the house. now i hope she really is in a better place, less the sufferings, and having seen her 2 lively granddaughters play and talk to her. =)

and just a month ago, my father's operation... all is well now, so no worries. just a thought of why it seems to be that more things are happening when i'm away. or is it just that i've been taking stuff for granted when i'm back at home?

whatever it is, life goes on, and change is constant.

on another note, i might have just secured myself a pretty good and fitting FYP. it's too early to say anything right now, but let's just hope everything goes well. =)

listening to this song on repeat now. nice music, wasnt paying much attention to the lyrics. and let me just dedicate this song to my aunt too. =)

company

2011-03-09T22:05:00.002+08:00

been sitting in my room for half a day, not doing anything productive other than sending a few administrative emails... have an overdue lab, again, to complete. and i decided that i need some motivation before continuing. haha.

1/3 of SEP has passed. not too long, not too short. the first third of my life here has been a truly topsy turvy one, but filled with experiences of a lifetime, nevertheless. struggles, physically and mentally.

the end of the first period of courses is near, and it is preparation period for exams. the only exam i need to study for is on friday, and i haven't exactly started... haha. oh wells.

last friday, the usual 4 of us met up at ikea for dinner and tried to discuss our travel plans for easter. then derek left and astrid and i went over to sq's place to continue planning and after that, watched the 3 idiots till 3am in the morning. very nice show.. glad to have watched it finally =)

next morning, we went to willys for groceries before going back to our rooms and i just concuss for half the day.

MS phone interview was up next at 2am on sunday... or rather monday. didnt exactly go too badly or too well, i guess it was just for the experience... since i had free incoming calls as i realised. lol.

and i had to drag myself up for the last seminar for user interface programming. didnt do much as usual, playing my role as an exchange student well. haha.

dinner @ astrid's in the evening where we cook very nice claypot rice and continued planning for our easter trip. spain and netherlands, here we come =)

well.... i could still vividly remember the fresh feeling of stepping foot onto europe for the first time, in paris. everything took awhile to get absorbed, but it was a wonderful feeling... and as time goes by, i guess the novelty just wore off, and sometimes i do question myself about travelling so much. all i know is that i dont wanna regret anything when i get back, so i just follow on any trips possible. and while at that, try to absorb even more.

maybe i just need a change of scenery, that's all. =) sweden is great, a change that i am embracing positively. but i guess there really is so much more in the world out there that i should be seeing. look forward to the trips ahead. belgium and estonia, up next. =)

and meanwhile, try to fulfill my minute role as a student here, first.

many many things in my mind right now that i am hoping will go well. and i really hope they do.... as pathways to my unknown future.

feeling the urge to do some musical stuff. shall experiment once im done with the studying. hope that gives enough motivation. =/

alone at a foreign place gives you plenty of time and space to think about what you really want with your life. and i know i am still searching for the "right" things, if they even exist.

the strength to carry on..

轻、重。

2011-03-06T18:50:00.003+08:00

”所谓长大
就是把原本看重的东西看轻一点
原本看轻的东西看重一点“

原来这不只是我自己的领悟。=)
a very interesting album

hmm

2011-03-03T01:08:00.002+08:00

ah, murphy's law at its best... rawr.

i guess this has to be the most intense week for me (or maybe 2 weeks). deadlines fast approaching, lots of projects and assignments to be settled if i even wanna get a pass grade. haha. and its not like ive been spending too much time playing..

spammed a few internship apps for fun and one got back. requesting for a phone interview. still thinking if i should spend the money on the interview when its 50% chance i won't get it due to my duration.. but its kinda great.

and so many other things to worry about back in singapore... FYP, random admin stuff.. the only thing that makes me feel like im on exchange is the planning for travel part. and planning for weekends. =)

some things are really difficult to be changed on my part.., but i really really want to make this exchange the best that it can be. no rubbish for me, please. thank you very much.

peace.

2011-02-28T00:18:00.003+08:00

sometimes all u need is a day to peace out, reorganise your thoughts, and rethink about what you are doing to your life.

did just that on saturday, and things are beginning to look up =)

yet another lazy weekend.. started with a pretty high cooking session on friday at my place though. haha. the usual gang of 6 of us, cooking at my place's kitchen blasting random english/jap/chinese music... we spent like 2hours cooking but i think its been the most enjoyable cooking session yet =D and the food was great too!

settled some internship applications although i'm pretty positive they won't get through, largely due to the fact tt im on exchange. haha.

met up with astrid derek and wangchen for dinner at v-dala nation. leeched on their rebate vouchers.. food was ok but considered crappy if u look at the price. haha. then we explored the city centre of uppsala a little, at night. went to explore the castle from the outside.. nice city view. uppsala is actually a pretty nice and small city when looked from above. hmm.

went out with wangchen to meet up with sq and his visiting friend, at gamla uppsala, this morning. haha. cos we were too bored in our rooms while the rest went skiing. pretty nice view with not-too-cold weather! then we went to the city centre for the gustavianum museum which was pretty good... lots of history of the university itself. then went to sq's place for a short lunch before heading back.

and that ended my short day. slacking in my room now trying to settle random stuff. listening to 933 late night music (when it's evening now). and still trying my best to make sense of my life now.

当冬夜渐暖

2011-02-25T08:16:00.002+08:00

最后还真的暖和了。现在摄氏零下5度，开始往上升。

冬天即将离去。。我没有期待，也没有不舍。

就让一切的不完美随着雪而渐渐融化，然后快乐充实的面对剩下四分之三的留学生活。=)

知道自己是从零开始的，就不会去计较什么得失，生活就比较容易满足。

quarter

2011-02-24T17:45:00.002+08:00

was counting the days and realised that it's the quarter mark of my life overseas..

and to mark it, i spent the whole day finishing up an overdue lab, haha. end results was crappy but heck, i just hope it gets through.

felt so relieved after settling most of my overdue work, went down to ICA in -17 temperature to get some groceries and bombed quite abit of money again =/ came back, cooked myself some late night dinner / supper and lunch / dinner for the next day. my cooking time has improved, i guess =)

then i decided to clean my room, do some laundry at 2am-4am (becos its the only time the laundry room is empty) although i had to step out in -22 temperature in slippers haha. and settled some random admin stuff that ive been wanting to settle. feels good =)

all these despite having an 8am lesson the next day. and... i overslept. lol. so here i am, just finished breakfast of bread and hotdogs (cos the hotdogs expired yesterday =/). and getting ready to go school to do some work before the 2nd half of the day. swedish again!

this would prob be the first weekend that i have no plans in mind, cos the rest are going for a ski trip that i cant go, or have some other plans. hmmm. not a bad idea to relax in the room for the weekend, i guess =) time to catch up on everything that i've been wanting to do but couldnt cos my life simply wasnt in order. haha.

well as for this first quarter of my life overseas, it went by in a flurry but was ultimately eventful. no regrets on anything so far, and still happy to be here. =)

under control.

2011-02-22T20:00:00.002+08:00

又下雪了。

努力-ing. trying to get my modules under control.. haha.. 2 are currently ok, 1 salvaging in progress. =)

sometimes i still can't believe that it's snow falling outside my window. neither a good nor bad thing, i guess. just a wonder. all of a sudden, it feels like the world isn't that big afterall. it's interesting (albeit tiring) talking to people from so many different places. and getting used to a scenery and lifestyle that i wouldnt have imagined myself to be in just less than 1.5 months ago. =)

cheers, back to desperate attempts to do my work. =)